The work BBq on Thursday was pretty good. Lots of silly games, a free bar and a silly disco. I ended up meeting Frankie later on and going to Space. There had been a police raid literally seconds before so there were no goodies on offer so I went home early.

Last night Char came and met me after work and we went to Lazy Lounge for Middy's leaving do. Was quite amusing as we wwere able to have a little joke about our fling with no-one realising. Ended up leaving quite early because a) was pretty drunk and b) am meant to be going out tonight. It's currently pouring down with rain though so might just stay in with a couple of bottles of wine.

Guess what else happenned at the summer BBQ?????? Mr Flash called me! We were on the phone for about 45 mins and although I wasn't drunk, I had had enough to loosen my tongue and I told him a few home truths. i told him that I loved him, that I didn't want anyone else, that I didn't want him going with anyone else. He said he felt the same..but (youknew it was coming) there is a whole big thing going on with his ex which he needs to get out of the way. I briefly chatted with mymate Iz after and her view was that he was trying to protect me. To stop me from getting caught up in something that I don't need to worry about. THing is I do worry ahbout him and I want nothing more than to be with him. Properly. Permanently. God I sound like a stalker. I'm not, I've just never felt like this before. CLiche I know lol xxxxx

Oh my god things need to slow down. My head is spinning. Days seem to be melting into one at the minute. Sunday I managed a lazy day, Monday I was in the Bradford office, Tuesday I flew (yes flew) to Heathrow to go to a conference in Windsor. We got there really early, had nothing to do so ended up in a bar (as you do) and I got severely burnt shoulders!!, yesterday was the actual conference and our flight back was really late so didn't get in till 10.30pm, today is my first proper day in the office but i'm leaving early to go to the work BBQ, tomorrow I have training in the morning and after work meating Char for some drinks and for a mates leaving do (middy the one night stand is off to Oz for 4 months - and no I'm not going to visit him!), sat I might be off to a BBQ, Sunday I might be out for an ex's bday - interesting story which I will elaborate on and Monday I'm in Newcastle for a golf tournament.

I so need a day off!

Any way the ex.Gonna call him GTi cuz he's car mad. anyway me and GTi had a brief relationship which broke up as he wasn't over his ex. To be fair she had dies less than a year previous so he had a fairly good excuse! We stayed friends and recently we have been texting lots. Nothing is going to happen because I want to keep him as a friend and I just don't fancy him anymore. But it has been nice hearing from him again.

Mr Flash hasn't been in touch for ages aprt from one text on Sunday to say he was working. I knew things would fall on their arse with him and I've been proved right. I'm not overly upset because I was expecting and because we all know he's a knob. Not going to say that I'm not going to see him again because blatantly i will. However, I am being good still and still haven't slept with anyone else bar Mr Flash since going to liverpool.

Right must get some work done!!!!

xxx

This past week has been stupidly busy. tuesday as you are all ware i felt like shit. Wednesday went better and we had another big dinner in the afternoon which unfortunately didn't go to plan as the service was shit but i've left it to the boss to sort out. I don't get paid enough to argue with people. And anyway Wednesday night was great because i got to see mr Flash.

I'd been pissed off because he'd gone awol but i have to admit although it was his complete stupidity that got him in trouble he did have a very good excuse for not being round to answer my calls - he was locked up in a cell underneath Leeds Magistrates. His ex accused him of hitting her (not true) and he got put on bail. He wasn't meant to contact her but he did to talk about them two being friends and about their daughter and she called the police (vindictive cow). Anyways it was just lovely to curl up woth him. I was on my period so we couldn't have sex but that didn't stop us doing other stuff and me having one amazing orgasm!!!

Thursday night i got invoiited out to a captains table at The Living room (a great Restaurant on Greek Street) and Friday night I went out for drinks to say goodbye to one of my best mates from work - who drunkenly told one of the lads that i'd slept with someone from work - i was not impressed!!!!!!)

The yesterday we were part of a dragon boat race. Despite my horrible hangover it was really good. I can barely speak today due to all the screaming and shouting. Am hoping to see mr Flash tonight but not sure. It's Char's first night in the house and I also wanna stay in and share a bottle of wine with her. Thing is I'm in London Tues and Weds next week, Thurs we have our work BBq and if it's anything like last year I wont get in till 4am and Friday is Middy's leaving do (the one I slept with) and sat I think I'm going to BBq with Char so i won't get to see him again till next Sunday. It sucks but in a way is good because I'm busy I don't pine for him as much!!

xxxxxx

Yesterday was horrible. I was left feeling completely demoralised and incompetant due to a few measley place cards. Yes I know cowbag the first wants the event to be perfect but does it really matter if the edge of one letter ever so slightly over lips onto the bit you cut off?

Anyway it ended up with me practically in tears going back to Staples for the fourth time in a week to get more stuff. I'm sick of that place. I was on the verge of going home and ending it all - I really did feel that bad. Don't think it had helped that I'd not eaten and not slept.

Last night I got home and all I wanted to do was speak to Mr Flash but he's gone awol (typical!). He emailed me Monday to ask about my phone. I told him about the party. He asked if I'd slept with anyone (I hadn't!) and I flipped. So much for me trying to better myself and prove to everyone that I'm not slut. I guess he has reason to think like that but you'd think he'd have alittle faith in me. Anyway I've not spoken to him since.

I just want today to be over. I want this week to be over. I have a new housemate moving in at the weekend. She's great and it will be so so nice to have a fun girl in the house. Someone to have a glass of wine with on an evening!

Oh well back to the daily grind xxxx

Bad luck always comes in 3's I was once told.

Getting into an argument with a friend has got to be one. Being annoyed by a partner at the firm - not sure i can count that as two as it happens all the time but having my phone stolen?????? Definately a second. I've just left a house party at mine to come use the computer at work cuz some dickhead has come into my house and stolen my phone - not impressed!!!!!

More so as it has the most recent photo of my mum and two pictures of Laurens baby on it. Neither of which I've saved onto my computer. I'm not fussed about the rest of it - numbers I can replace but pictures? Once taken never forgotten and I already miss them.

Can't belive some fuck head would do that. And it's not even insured - my fault but still!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thought not. Ah well.

Libby land has been extremely busy of late which is why I've not posted. So a lil catch up...

Work
Sort of going swimmingly. The boss has been off so I've been a little more relaxed - maybe a little too relaxed which is why I'm in on a saturday. Just getting some menus and place cards printed. They're really really fiddly so kind helps if i'm cencentrating and not chatting away to someone! One of the partners did do my head in tho yesterday. I don't really know much about the client relationships here. i don't need to so there is very little I can add to a table plan. And yet he still made me sit in his office for hald an hour (repeatedly putting me down and telling me how to use excel!) while he put them together. Half an hour where I could have been doing something far more constructive!

Mr Flash
Not actually seen Mr Flash since last Sunday but we have been on the phone to each other every night. He was full of hayfever last night and was all bunged up and sounded quite sweet. He has his daughter over this weekend which is why I haven't seen him yet but I am seeing him tomorrow. YAY!

Lauren and baby
Frankie's not gonna be best pleased when he reads this because I wqas meant to take him with me, but I went to see Lauren and her very gorgeous, very cute, extremely chilled out baby last night. I generally find all babies pretty ugly but I am in love. Lauren text just as I was leaving to say that she was ready for the odd visitor and I wasn't going to give up an oppotunity to see my best mate despite feeling shattered. Stayed for a couple of hours and was holding baby for most of that time. I honestly thought she'd scream as soon as she came near me but I was pretty good with her. Kinda wierd now tho thinking I was holding something that was just a few days old!

other stuff
A girl from my past who I'm sort of friends with again but can never completely forgive cuz she screwed me over got in touch asaking if I'd seen these two girls she used to work with. One had added me on facebook but I haven't actually spoken to her for about 2 and half years, the other I can't even remember what she looks like. Anyway I'm meant to have told them that this girl was a coke addict that had ended up in re-hab. Not quite true I would have told somebody (not sure who) that she was a coke addict who'd ended up in hospital after a breakdown, had completely ripped me off and generally gone off the rails (well I was extremely angry at her at the time). But I didn't tell these two girls. I've not spoken to them. So anyway the girl spent most of the afternoon and the evening emailing and texting me having a go. For once I did the most sensible thing I could. I ignored her. I deleted the messages before I had chance to read them. She always was pretty venemous so I can imagine what was in them but I actually decided to be an adult and not get drawn in to her twisted little games. I'm rather proud.

Oh and I've still not had sex with anyone but Mr Flash since my night out in Liverpool. It may be boring but it's quite an acheivement for me! xxxx

I've put a very sceptical hmmmm on the end of that title because.... well..... when things start going really well, it is inevitable that something will eventually go catastrophically wrong. So what exactly is going right?

Well for one I seem to be on top of things at work. Both the venues are sorted. I've had replies back from 80% of my guests, the menu designs are sorted and the partners are....well..... happy.

Second my beautiful best friend has had her baby. I still haven't seen her yet as she's got a bit of an infection so they are limiting guests at the hospital. I'm going to wait till she gets home. But very very excited.

And third...... I know you are all gonna be very sceptical at this one but my relationship with Mr Flash seems to be progressing extremely well. He'se phoning me lots, taking time to listen to me and generally doing that whole sharing and caring thing you would expect of a partner. I text him last night saying I didn't know what had changed but it was definately alot better. His response? 'Good. Let it continue x'. Could it be that things could actually work out this time? We have been seeing each other on and off for 7 months. For me thats fairly long term ha ha. I do love him. Still feeling very cautious but very optomistic. As i'm forever saying in the office. It's all good.

xxxxx

Not sure I ever mentioned but Lauren is / was pregnant. She delivered a very healthy 8lb 9oz baby girl at 8.28am. Both mum and baby are doing fine.

Not had chance to see her yet but seen a pic of baby gil and she is the cutest thing - I'm not in to babies generally but awwwwwww!!!!

xxxxx

That is my reaction after being moved seats at work. I am not impressed in the slightest. I loved my old seat. I had no-one behind me and could happily surf whatever site I wanted all day. Well that's finished!!! I've even had to wait all day to come on here. Not impressed in the slightest.

In other news.....
The whole celibacy thing has gone out the window. Me and Mr flash were at it like rabbits last night and had a rather good quickie this morning.

Last night was pretty good actually - before the sex I mean. We just sat in front of his fire (god knows why he had it lit but anyway...), having a few glasses of wine and just chatting. Felt like we were back to how we were when we first met. I still think everything is gonna blow up in my face eventually but you never know....

Anyways I'm also on the blag. We are having a massive charity sports day in August and as part of that we hyave to raise £2500. We want to do a big raffle with lots of cool prizes and charge £5 entry. We've already got VIP tickets to see Leeds united, passes for Yorkshire Cricket and may be getting some free tickets for VUE cinema. All the money is going to Macmillan Cancer Support - anybody got anything they'd be willing to donate? I'll let you enter!!!!

xxxx

has an opposite and equal reaction.

Not really sure who said this originally but just been watching Corrie and that odd guy said (the one who owns the cafe) to Becky. He was talking about her 'loose' lifestyle and it got me thinking. Could my current aversion to sex be the reaction to being used by Mr Flash or is it simply a reaction of growing up?

Throughout my life my friends have either been younger than me or older. I've had a very few fr4iends the same age and those that are such as a girl from Macmillan and one of the girls from work are pretty mature for their age. I am also beginning to find (more than usual) that my younger friends are boring me and that I would much rather hang around with people who have more life experience and who can teach me something rather than being people that I just have fun with.

I've had this whim before about men too but then I go back to playing the fast and loose lifestyle which I seem to easily adapt to. Even last week I swanned off to Liverpool on the spare of the moment to go to a house party and spent the night with a guy I didn't know and will probably never hear from again.

But am I really starting to change my life or am I simply going through a faze? I was thinking about Mr Flash earlier and realised that in time I would be able to sleep with but only if I knew exactly what was going on with his ex - i.e was he still pursuing (despite his friends warnings) or had he realised (like the rest of us) that that relationship was never going to happen and that he should move on?

For some time I have been wanting a real commitment. I have accepted that it's never going to happen with Mr Flash. Well if it does I will be highly surprised. I tried it with the boy but he wasn't 'The one'. And there's another question. Is there really 'a one' in the sense of the perfect one. Or, is 'the one' actually short for 'the one i'm willing to compromise for'?

i've always thought that the perfect relationship would just happen...eventually. But i'm beginning to think 9like many other men and women I imagine),that perfection doesn't exist. Actually I think I realised that a while ago and myreaction to that was 'fuck it - go out and have fun'. Unfortunately, after a couple of years 'fun' isn't really that fun anymore.

Yes work is getting me down but overall despite the over-powering managers and stressful timetable, I do enjoy my job. I have my friends, I have a wonderfully supportive family. I'm successfully working my way out of debt and i have seen, experienced and acheived more than many people my age. But something is missing. Does it really take a partner to complete you?

I'd like to say no and believe that i can be perfectly happy on my own. I am afterall an only child who has grown up with her own company. I just can't help feeling that I am missing something - or someone - to share in my experiences and me with theirs. Relationships are the only area where I feel I fail. I was engaged once and loved scouse dearly. I still do, but as a friend. I am beginning to crave that stability again. As much I fantasise about that stability coming from Mr Flash, I am not sure he is capable. That is a shame because he really is a wonderful father and I belive he would make a very loving and supportive husband. And maybe some day he will be that to someone. Just maybe not me.

So how do I find that stability - that man who will share in my dreams, my aspirations, my silly whims as i will his? I'm not looking for Mr Gorgeous or Mr great in bed - my taste in men varies wildly and whilst i so need to be attracted to the man I firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder (none of my exs are male models!!). I have always found that acceptance is the key in any relationship. To accept the faults in someone but love tham all the more for it.

Thats how I feel about Mr Flash. He's hurt me and used me and he can be arrogant and ignorant of people feelings but I now just see these as his mannerisms and to be perfectly honest they don't really bug me half as much as they used to. I almost expect it of him. i need to find someone that can feel that way about me. There's only one problem in that though. I did find someone who felt like that I just didn't feel the same. Sod's law I guess.

Sorry for the long post but I think it's nother washing machine head tonight.

xxxx