I admit it. I am about as predictable as a Maths class i.e so predictable it's boring. Since Mr Flash called the other week I've tried alcohol, drugs, chocolate and sex with a new fella and nothing has helped wipe or even reduce the number of thoughts I have about him. All weekend it's been!! Everything I listen to. Hearing things on the news - especially to do with the credit crunch / mortgages etc. one because he is looking to move house and two because he is currently working on a contract with HBOS and they invariably get mentioned atleast once per week.

Anyways this morning it came to a head. The boyfriend spent the night at mine as we had to get up early (Lauren moved today but more about that in a sec). We had amazing sex last night and there he was laid beside me and all I could think about was Mr Flash. so, at around 8.30am I text him and I told him the truth. 'I still love you but you treat me like shit. I miss you too'. Stupid I know. Aboslutely stupid. It gets worse..

We'd got to Lauren's new house and just about to start unpacking and my phone goes. Guess who!! We sat and talked for twenty minutes or so. Felt comfortable. Felt good. He apologised. I chastised him. But I have to say that 90% of the converasation was quite upbeat and to be fair I'm actually still smiling. Thing was I said i'd meet him for a drink (told you it got worse).

There were a few texts that followed and I said I'd let him know what time I could meet. Bout 6pm I offered a time of 8.30pm and what did I get back? 'Sorry babe had to go into work performance test gone wrong'. He works in IT and there are times he has to be called in but I did feel disappointed and yet no-where near as bad as I would have. Think I am still gonna meet him for a drink at some point. If only to find out the dirt. He hinted that he might be having to go into a full blown custdody battle for his daughter. Seems odd as him and the girls mother have always had a relatively civil relationship.

Ok so i'm probably doing myself no favours but as lovely as the boy is, he's still just entertainment. It will never be a long-term meaningful relationship. And ok, maybe it never will be with Mr Flash but I loved him. I still love him.

Anyways..... Lauren moved out for good today. It's been all of 2 hours and I miss her. She really is more of a sister to me than just a best friend and it feels very odd not to be able to go up to her room or sit with her in the lounge. I'll still see her all the time but it's not the same. I guess part of it is that I feel she's all grown up and I'm still a kid living in a shared house. I'll grow up eventually. Till then I still have an easter egg to eat!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all

Decided to give the night job a rest this week since I have just started up with the boyfriend - don't worry I'm back next week so I'll have some slightly more interesting news ha ha.

In the meantime I am dying from heat. The air con in our building is bust so it is like sitting in a sauna. Extremely annoying when you are rushed off you're feet and you can't concentrate because of the headache you can't shake.

Actually the most annoying thing about yesterday was walking halfway across Leeds to buy a bottle of Champagne which i couldn't drink (it was a prize for a competition we ran).

Saw the boyfriend last night. He cooked for me bless. We then started to watch 300. I say started because by about 2/3 of the way into the film his fingers were deep inside me and I was gripping the bedhead so tight my hand hurt. He then stripped me whilst I gave him a handjob (he really does have a great cock - big enough to be good but not so big it hurts - and he came over me - expertly hitting my cleavage and letting it trickle down my body. Can you tell I enjoyed it? ha ha xxxx

Sunday night was excellent don't get me wrong but there was one thing that tainted it slightly. The boy(friend)'s ex was in Revolution whilst we were there and started getting nasty over text. Bitch called me short and fat. I'm 5'5" and a size 10-12 so I am clearly neither!!! The cute thing was he didn't want to tell me what was in the text but I saw them anyway.

Back to the point. Yesterday we were chatting over text and we got talking aout what had happenned with his ex and he asked me what had happenned with Mr Flash. It's hard to explain why me and Mr Flash broke up without metioning the scars so I told him (ok a very brief version. we were only texting afterall) but I told him and guess what? He was great. He was disgusted with Mr Flash's actions and said that he should have been supporting me. I'm so relieved.

I have to say after Mr Flash I was more than a bit worried that I'd tell hima nd he'd think I was a nutcase and run a mile. But it's all good.

And Ash, the 'L' word??? Give me a chance. No in all honesty I really want to put off saying that for as long as possible. I got hurt because Mr Flash told me he loved me and I believed him. i don't want the boyfriend to do that to me or vice versa.

Look at me i'm growing lol. Ah well lets wait and see what next week brings first!!! xxxx

I decided not to call Mr Flash. A case of starting as I mean to go on and the night was made all the better by me agreeing to be the boy's girlfriend - officially.

Last night was pretty ace. As I have said before i do dabble in drugs and decided last night to have a pill. Now many of you might think ooo drugs bad. Actually ecstasy just has a very bad rep because it often gets mixed with other things. I watched a programme on the top 20 deadliest drugs not so long back. Alcohol came 5th, ciggerettes came 9th, cannabis came 11th. Guess where ecstasy came??? 18th!!

I had one and oh my god it was fan-bloody-tastic. I'm horny at the best of times but last night it was just amazing. Only thing was I woke up after 2 hours of sleep and felt spangled (it's the only word to descibe it lol).

Feeling very wierd this morning (not due to the pill). Just feels odd being someone's girlfriend again after Mr Flash but I guess it shows that I'm moving on.

xxxx

guess who bloody called me last night. I can guarentee that anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis can. Yes it was his right bloody emotional manipulator himself Mr Flash. I was just cooking dinner for me and the boy and my phone starts. immediate thought was that it was lauren or my mum but there was his name. my heart skipped a beat. I picked it up and he said he wanted to apologise for being horrible to me last time time we spoke. I asked him if there was anything else " Well yeah. i miss you". Fucking cheek of it. He throws me out of his house and speaks to me like shit and then has the nerve to call up and say he misses me!!!

Ok yes I do miss him and I do love him still but do you know what? Fuck him. Had a big long chat with Lauren and came to the conclusion of fuck him. I said I will speak to him again and he probably thinks that I still want him (I did tell him I was seeing someone else btw) but do know what fuck him!!

The worst thing was when I told him I was seeing someone else he asked if I had told him the truth. By this he is going on about the cuts and the escorting. Well lets see I've been seeing the boy properly for all of ummm a week so guess what - no I haven't. I told Lauren this and her reaction was that he was using this as an excuse for me to go back. Basically trying to say that there was no-one else I could be with because they would never know anything. Well good. That was part of what made my relationship suck with Mr Flash. Ok I don't enjoy lying to people but the cuts are something that I need to feel totally comfortable about and lets be honest if I told the boy about the escorting it would be over and he'd end up hating Lauren for not telling him.

How dare he just phone me up out of no-where and mess my head up. I'm having the boy over of Sunday dinner and I've decided that I will not push things but certainly let things develop. He asked me to be his girlfriend (see he's soooo cute!). I told him it was a bit soon for labels but you never know. I just don't want him to think i'm saying yes as a way of getting over my ex because he's not. He's seperate and he's lovely and I'm getting to know him still (conversation is getting better lol)

Oh and he does have a brother but he's a right weedy chav ha ha ha.

I will let you know Mr Flash's reaction tomorrow!

xxxxx

OMG OMG OMG so giddy and excited and happy and lovey dovey.

I hate being like this. I am in no way a bunny boiler but I do get far too excited at the beginning of relationships. Do you know what the boy said to about me? Of course you don't what am I on?! He said he was 'addicted' to me!!! Ok that might sound slightly stalkerish but it came across in such a sexy sweet amazing way and I've never had anyone say that.

Went out Thursday night. Didnt make it into the club we waanted as the queue was ridiculously long so went to Fibre instead. The two of us were practically fucking in the corner but no-one seemed to notice lol. We then went back and had an amazing night. Only one downer - he had no condoms. Due to my line of work and because of a horrible miscarriage at 19 (an experience I never want to repeat!) I am extremely safe and would never have sex without one. But this turned out to be a good thing as he just spent so much time stoking me, kissing me, licking me.... well you get the idea. He went on a mission first thing in the morning though and found some in his brothers room and then preceeded to fuck me silly (something I was more than ready for!!)

WE stayed cuddled up in bed all yesterday and I got back about 10am this morning. going shopping with him in a bit though. It's only been a few hours but I am actually missing him. Oh dear. Don't like this feeling. Whilst it is amzingly good its also extremely distracting and I like to have my mind to myself occasionally not just wrapped up a boy.

Oh who cares. I want his body again. grr yum yum xxxxx

I spoke to my mum about all this. She drives me up the wall most of the time but she can predict my father's family's next move a mile off. As she put it I'd come up against the famous family stubborness (which i hate to say I have inherited - along with a need for military precision in the planning of events!).

I am going now. Decided that there really wasn't any difference going at the weekend or during the week so I am now flying out on 25th Sept. The way I look at it I am going to see my sisters and my friend. He is paying for my ticket (and will be transferring the money soon (YAY!!!).

I'm so relieved. I'd really got myself excitted about this trip and it would have pissed me off even more had I not gone.

In other newws. Finally got a job last night. Apaprently it's quiet because the kids are breaking up for Easter. It was with a rather hunky fireman who let slip that he's been waiting for me to be availble for incalls (at a flat rented by the agency rather than a hotel). We had a great hour and I really hope I'll see him again cuz he was very good. I love clients like that! And now I have money to go out with tonight.

I know you must think it's awful that I'm seeing the boy and yet still escorting. However, you have to understand that escorting is just a job. It's just sex and I feel no emotion with these men. Just as some people enjoy nursing / teaching / sales, I enjoy sex and I get paid to do it. Bonus!!

Seeing the boy again tonight and staying at his all tomorrow. We were sending some gorgeously filthy texts to each other last night (he's not as innocent aas first thought!! Again Bonus!!)

Have a good Easter break everyone!! xxxxxx

My father is the most ungreatful person I have ever know.  He and my mother never wanted to get married.  They were basically forced into it by my grandfather who insisted that I could not be born out of wedlock.

I had some 'access' visits with him as a child but knowing that my father had been a lying, cheating, violent scumbag put me off him (surprise suprise).  So when he moved back to Malaysia (He's English but I lived out there as a toddler) when I was about 6/7 I wasn't that bothered.  I didn't see him again till I was 18, when I found out that some years previous he had moved back to the UK (thanks for letting me know) and was now moving out to Australia (again thanks for letting me know!)

It took my boyfriend at the time and a good friend to go with me to Manchester to make sure I got there to see him.  I was so scared I actually threw up.  I realised he wasn't so bad and as over the last few years I have developed a strong live and let live policy I decided to try and build a relationship with him.   It didn't really work.  As much as I tried emailing him and keeping in contact he never tried.  For the sake of my relationship with my sisters (the eldest of which I have quite a good relationship) i perservered to the point where I finally agreed to go to Oz to visit them.

I decided that despite the fact that there was no way I could afford it without the escorting I would save up and fly to the otherside of this planet to see a man who quite honestly has show no interest in me and by all rights I should forget about.

Despite initially being quite open and pleased about this he is now being petty about dates.  Apparently they only get 4 weeks holiday a year oz.  Guess what so do I and I'm spending 2 of them going to visit you, you miserable, bastard!!!

ggggrrrrrrrr   I hate my father and as much as I would love to see my friend in Brisbane , I am seriously considering flying off to Cuba for a week instead!

Hi all

I had such a great evening. The boy was waiting at my house when I got home. Does not make sense that he works miles away and I only work 4 miles max from my house but due to soddin public transposrt / Leeds rush hour he still managed to get there first!!

We had a walk round the shopping centre and I helped him pick out a very trendy t-shirt for Thursday night. Then we went back to mine and just cuddled up on my bed watching tv. Nothing naughty happenned just lots of cuddles and kisses.

His arms really are the most amazing things. Granted he needs a bit of a work out (a few weeks with me and that gym membership will not be required lol) but they are just so strong and I fit in to them so well. Who cares that conversation is a little light on the ground. His arms are the type that just make you feel so safe and comfy. And when he sends me messages saying 'you are seriously sexy you know xxx' when I've just been in my normal work stuff, glasses on and generally looking a bit of a geek, it just makes me feel well....sexy and special.

Now I used to write about a guy called Mr Flash. Who's he again??!! LOL

xxxxx

Yesterday was such a lovely day (well apart from my crazy Irish neighbour screaming at me first thing about someone in my house being noisy even though they weren't!). The sun was shining, I had my cute pinafore dress on and my boss was on holiday. She's back today and already the grey cloud of authority is hanging over me.

Quite annoyed also cuz I had no jobs last night. I am hoping that the current economic crisis doesn't affect me too much. Having not worked for a couple of weeks but still wanting to shop means that my savings have been plundered and need topping up.

In other news I am seeing the boy tomorrow. Spent all yesterday emailing at work and all last night texting (see singleman some guys can do two things at once!!). He's got to go up to the shopping centre near me for a few bits tonight so he's picking me up and I'm gonna help him chose a new outfit for Thursday night - Big party at Space nightclub in Leeds. Cannot wait!!!

Ok so it slightly chavvy and well teenagerish to be walking round a shopping centre together but I figure it is an excellent excuse to spend sometime with him where I cannot shag him (well not easily - however I have been up to no good in the car park of said shopping centre with Beany boy previously!).

Thursday night (well more specifically Friday morning since the club wont shut till 7am) I'm back off to his to spend the day in bed with him. Wrapped up in his arms, getting up to no good I can't wait!!

xxxxxx

Had such a fantastic evening with the boy on Saturday night. Got round there at about 7.30pm and as his house is in a bit of a state at the moment (they are waiting for a joiner to come in and do some repairs) we went and sat in his room to watch some films. I have to say his bed is the most comfiest thing ever!

Straight away we were curled up together. He has the most gorgeous arms. I have a big thing about arms. i'm not into weedy guys. Guys need to have big strong arms. I'm guessing not all girls will agree outright but secretly we all want someone to protect us and being wrapped up in a guys arms is a way of showing that.

So anyway we watched some films, had pizza and yes we did sleep with each other. I've never know a guy have so much stamina. I came twice and he didn't even finish! I fell asleep in his arms too which I think is always a sign that you feel good with someone. And well the next day we didn't get up till 3pm. The whole morning we just spent cuddled up in bed naked. And well there was a bit more naughtiness (which was good!) and lots of tickling and giggling. More than anything it was just so sweet and kinda romantic in a way. And well I'm still smiling. We were texting each other loads last night so happy.

Beany boy was also texting me (look back to find out about him!). I have done 3somes (and 1 foursome) with other gils but I've never had more than one guy at once so he's arranging it for me. Sounds a bit wierd I know but I trust him so I know the guys will be good looking and good in bed and he'll be there (joining in!) so if I want to stop he'll be there to protect me. Everyone has little fantasies they want to act out and the thought of sleeping with more than one guy (there are going to be 3 of them!) just turns me on so much!! Not gonna be happenning till after Easter and really scared but can't wait. I promise to give the full x-rated review after!!!

xxxx

p.s. HAPPY St PADDY's DAY!!!!!!!!!! (my family are Irish!!)

I can't remember the rest of that song but that is how I feel today. I think it has something to do with the cute new pink undies I bought yesterday (yes singleman they are a matching set), the curls in my hair and the pink lip gloss. Other than that it's pretty much box standard jeans and jumper (a bargain from H&M - £9!!)

Anyways, not really up to much today. In fact a bit bored. Waiting for Lauren to get her butt in gear so we can go to town. I'm seeing 'the boy' again tonight. Despite the less than thrilling night we spent together last time I am still rather excited. He's really innocent and although it will never work long term (well atleast i can't see it at the min), he's just so nice and I really like talking to him and I am really looking forward to curling up in his arms on the couch. I guess it's just cuz i know that he wouldn't care if I did fuck him or not. He's the type of lad that is genuinely happy (for the short term atleast) just to get to know a girl and be comfortable with her and thats .... well ..... nice. And right now i think 'nice' is what I need.

xxxxx

As I was in work at 7am yesterday and today I was meant to finish at 1.30pm. Unfortunately I am still unable to see my desk and until my mate comes back from Lunch I'm not gonna be able to get hold of some info I need. And it all needs to be done asap. I'm gutted. I just want to sleep. And all I've had for lunch are two sodding Choc chip buscuits.

On the other hand, my event today was ace and everyone kept coming up to me to say thank you and despite the fact I'm all grouchy I look uber efficient cuz Ive already got the feedback sorted!

Wrist is masses better btw. Not even got the brace on a min although it is a lil sore. Have people looking round the house too tonight so will let you know my feelings on them tomorrow. Thats if I haven't died from the cold - my house currently has no heating so I have two (yes I did say two) 10.5 tog duvets on my bed at min so nice and snug!! Don't fret though the landlord is getting it fixed so I won't freeze my tootsies off just yet!

xxx

Why is it that as soon as part of you becomes out of action then you're whole life becomes dull??

Since the weekend nothing has happenned. Well not really anyway. I've had a regular client phoning me to see when I'm back. He's lovely and almost a friend. As he puts it,he's addicted to me, and goes through little phases where he has to see me all the time. He's not my type but he's a nice guy and always makes me feel rather special wierdly.

Been back in touch with the boy aswell. Friends will know him as the one night stand that was 'just a bit of entertainment for the night'. I decided that maybe I had just been a bit harsh on him. I mean I knew he was nervous and there I was in funky tights, little shorts, shirt and waistcoat (strategically unbuttoned)looking sexy without being slutty. I think he was slightly overwhelmed last time. So this time we are just doing pizza and DVD at his.

I like giving people second chances. I'm usually right first time but occasionally you're surprised which is nice.
xxx

I have the internet at home again. So so pleased!!! xxx D

See thats the great thing about wrtiting on here you get so many nice little comments. Thank you.

In other news I text Mr Flash. I know I said I would break all contact but I had to. When I was sat in the hospital the only person I could think of was him. Annoyingly he tried calling me but Lauren was drying my hair (I have become such an invalid!!) and I didnt hear it. I text him back but he never replied. Oh well I'm not expecting anything.

Scary news - my hairdryer is around 2 years old and had to be thrown out last night after the side of it started melting!!

Update on my arm - it hurts but I dont think its broken as I can still move my wrist. Did get rather annoyed at my limited capabilities this morning though and did overdo it a bit. grrrr ouch grrrr

xxxx

Hey peeps

I apologise foe leaving you dangling for the last few days but I have a very good reason. I've badly sprained (and possibley broken) my wrist. Apparently due to the swelling they cant tell for sure if its broken so back in the hospital in a few days to have more x-rays. In the meantime I have a very ugly strap on splint thing to wear.

ANd how did I do this I hear you say? Well I fell down my stairs Sunday night. And no before you ask I was not under the influence of alcohol or any other substance for that matter!

In other news I have found out that the guy I have a tiny crush on at work fancies my mate. He works in the tax dept and by rights should be a geek but he's quite cute, has a tattoo (swoon)and has an ace sense of humour. I'm not right fussed that he doesn't fancy me as Im not a fan of office romances, what annoys me is that he fancies her over me. She's not ugly but my god I dont think you could really call her pretty and well I hate to say it but she's common.

Listen to me, I sound awful. She's a good mate and I dont mean to slag her off it's just well annoying!

My wrist is hurting lots again now so will say goodbye xxx

Oh dear.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Lauren knew I would have a stressful day yesterday as I had a rather large corporate event today - which, btw, went swimmingly after an initial bustup with the guy who was meant to be 'helping' us. So anyway Lauren knew I'd be stressed out so thoughtfully bought a couple of bottles of wine.

By the time we finished, 3 and 1/2 bottles had gone and I'd drunk most of it. Needless to say I have the worst headache known to man today.

As I said never ever drink on a school night. Its such a bad idea

xxxx

That title is reflection of both me and Lauren. Put us together and we can talk until we are blue in the face and always feel very positive by the end of it. However, leave either one of us on our own and we start thinking which is always a bad idea.

You may wonder why. Well this thinking usually occurs during the hours of 11pm and 6am meaning one thing - you can't sleep. And I'm sorry but no amount of writing it down will help because at that time of day there is rarely anything you can do about whatever it is you are thinking about, so the problem just continues.

For example - my love life (or lack of it). I sat there last night willing myself to go to sleep and every single fuck up of a boyfriend came into my head. Now it got me thinking because whilst I realise that they all had faults there is a common factor in why every relationship was eventually fucked up - me. Now don't get me wrong I'm not going all depressive, I'm just trying to work out what it is about me the attracts wierdos because as far as I see it apart from the occasional cheat I haven't really ever done anything wrong in a relationship.

I'm fairly good looking - 5'5", size 10/12, big boobs, long brown hair, sparkly eyes, intelligent - I have a degree and a professional qualification in marketing, I'm very loyal to my friends and family, I'm always happy to help, I'm good in bed (well I've certainly never had any complaints!), I like football, I like going out, I like being silly but at the same time I like deep and meaningful conversations about politics and arts. In all quite a well-rounded person I would say. So what exactly is it that drives men away or means that only emotional fuckwits are attracted to me. eventually I will find out and let you know.
 
In the meantime I'm going to continue having as much fun as possible - I mean they may be fuckwits but atleast some of them are good in bed ha ha ha ha

xxxxx

Been thinking so much about Mr Flash. However I think I am getting over him as many of the scenarios he asking me back and I just say no. I think thats a pretty positive step.

Just read Tat's blog and that girl and me and so many similar feelings. But I have to remind everyone that no matter how down you get there is always someone willing to listen, even if they can't help. I learned this the hard way. I started self-harming when I was getting bullied at my old job. I was made to feel as if I couldn't talk to anyone so took it out on myself. Prior to this I'd suffered bullying in school and had to deal with my mum's depression and alcohol abuse and her consequent physical abuse of me. All this led to me trying to take my own life when I was 14 through a paracetamol overdose.

I have learnt the hard way that you need people you can trust and who you know will always be there for you. People often say you can count your true friends on one hand. I don't even need a hand, one finger will do. I have a ton of mates but the only one I can rely on 100% is Lauren. Without this girl it is more than likely I would have tried to take my life again last year. When she finally realised what I was doing to my self I had cuts and scars all up my arms. Thankfully the only ones that show now are right at the top, and I wear them almost as a badge of honour to prove to myself that I can get through even the darkest moments in my life.

Lauren convinced me to see my GP who put me forward for counselling. Thing is at that point I'd already started to heal inside. You would not believe the courage it took to tell someone that something was wrong. That push was all I needed to mend myself. And ok I have done it a couple of times since but now I know if I'm on the verge I can ring Lauren and even if she is fast asleep she will sit with me until I'm strong enough to be left on my own.

People might read this and figure 'well it's ok for her she's got a friend to talk to I haven't', well I didn't think I did at the time. You just need to take that step (and I admit it's a big one)and tell someone you're feeling down, even if it's anonymously through a blog like this.

xxxx

Good morning people. D'you know I can't wait to get the internet back at my house. Well more specifically on my phone. I decided rather than fork out £30 a month on line rental and the like I'd add an extra £7.50 to my phone bill and use it on that.

I've got one of these super-duper phones you can do anything on including GPS. There is one mega flaw with it tho, it doesn't search the whole postcode, just the first two letters and the numbers. So it searches say LS13 4, instead of LS13 4GT. Most of the time not a problem. However, last night I went off to see a client. A rather adorable indian guy living in Mirfield with an amazing flat. Well the downstairs was pretty naff but the bedroom was fantastic and had the most amazing view across the town and the river. Thats the only problem with Leeds and especially the bit where I live. Not much of a view. Ah well.

Anyways back to the GPS. I had no idea where I was going so plugged it in, but I didn't realise it was a new postcode, in which case the GPS just takes you to somewhere nearby - in this case the complete wrong side of the river and a dead end!! I ended up near some random farmhouse, looking like a right idiot panicing cuz my petrol was quickly dissapearing.

Now I hate being late. My absolute pet peeve so being 30 mins late for this guy I was a little stressed and very nearly chucked the damn phone out the window (but then I would have lost all possibilities of communication, my camera and my MP3 player so rather glad I didn't!!).

Needless to say I got there and he was rather lovely about it. Now I'm not racist in the slightest - having lived overseas aas a child you tend not to notice things like that - but I'm not a massive fan of sleeping with guys who aren't white. I just don't fancy them thats all. But I must say Indian guys (those of hindu background) are ok. Generally all they want is a blow job and a bit of chat. Very easy job. I did shag this one but no offence to the guy, if I'd had anything else to concentrate on, I probably wouldn't have realised he was inside me.

Well back to the grindstone of daily life. My friends here get so caught up in the office gossip but I have to admit that so much of it seems mundane when you live a double life. Nevermind. Dates are confirmed for Oz - moved it to sept/oct now so atleast I have something to look forward to.

xxxx

I really enjoy working for my day job. I don't get paid nearly as much as I'd like (hence the night one) but I do really enjoy it. I have a very good social life and the company are pretty good to us. In fact the last Friday of every month we have 'boardroom drinks'. This is just the company providing wine and beer so that everyone can get together and have a chat. Only problem for me is that I usually haven't eaten since 1pm and I don't like beer so always end up on wine. Not the best thing to drink on an emptiyish stomach. Neither is it a good idea to follow those 4-5 (large) glasses of wine with several vodkas.

Got home about 11pm went to see my next door neighbour who's mates were round (he had invited me) and ok I admit it's a very silly thing but I do accaisionally dabble in recreational drungs. I'm talking once a month here so by no means am I an addict or anything remotely near. Well Friday night there was a lot of coke around and I ended up taking... well.... alot. Didn't get to bed till about 5am, forgot to lock the back door so had one of the lads streaking through the house (very funny) and then woke up to find my living room had been 'feng shui'd' by them - all they'd done is swap one of the sofas and the tv round but it didn't half freak me out.

Needless to say I spent all of saturday dying on the couch with Lauren giggling at me. I allowed this only because the pain I was in was completely self-inflicted and deserves no sympathy.

There is one thing I have learnt tho. It's not to say no to alcohol or drugs, it's just to remember that once a month (i.e the last saturday of every month), I am going to have one hell of a hangover so just don't plan anything and turn off my phone as my mum has a nasty habit of calling me!

On other news, was texting married man and we both decided that it really wasn't a good idea to meet, and I've been texting Beany boy (remember the photographer with the girlfriend who was apparently going to be good?) well there was some filthy messages being passed back and forth all weekend. Thing is he really wants to film me being fucked by some (about 5!) of his mates. Granted I have done the whole 3some thing and I have to admit that I am curious about what it would be like to sleep with 5 men at once. However doing and saying are 2 completely different things. Unless of course I have a couple of glasses of wine inside me and then I'm open to whole range of suggestions. So watch this space......

xxxx