Don't get me wrong I love my mum. Despite years of beatings (and I mean that - the last time she hit me I was 16. The first thing I did at 18 was move out) she does my head in.

It's that time of the month and like many females in the same situation I get ratty very quickly. Last night I was enjoying a quiet night in with boy watching a dvd and she called talking about money for my birthday (in 5 weeks!!) and for my holiday. We got arguing over interest rates - I pointed out that in 90 days unless it's a very large amount of money you're not going to make much more with an 8% interest rate as you are with a 5%. A few quid maybe. Big deal. Anyway like what happens with many phone conversations with her I snapped and put the phone down. And as usually happens she called me back. Not once but 6 times!!! Can the woman not get the idea that I don't want to speak to her?! I wouldn't mind so much but I told her why I felt crap and she didn't even believe me.

This is why I could never live back at home. The woman is just oblivious to everyone else. I sent her a letter when I went to uni detailing everything she'd done to me and how much she hurt me physically and emotionally. Her response 'well what do you want me to day?' Hmm let's see maybe 'Sorry?!' and I tried to tell her about the self harm. Her response 'pull yourself together'. This is why I am pleased to live 300 miles away and rarely see her.

What can I say she knows how to push my buttons. She4 does care for me and wants the best I know she does. But fucking hell she does my head in.

Rant over. Have a nice day at work everyone!!! xxxx

I haven't seen him before you ask - he's been down in Cornawall this weekend fishing and looking at boats. But I did speak to him yesterday. Felt so good to hear his voice. We were both pretty sleepy so it wasn't exactly a long call but he made me laugh calling me back 5 mins after we'd put the phone down because he missed me so much and he'd forgotton to say I love you.

He text me this morning saying I love you too. I know I'm with the boy but my heart will never belong to him. This weekend was lovely with him but, and this sounds harsh and snobby, I get sick of explaining stuff to him - like the implications of the 10p tax band cut and why the race between Hilary and Obama could affect Britain. I want to be able to debate this stuff not teach it.

My day job employer is actually pretty good when it comes to staff welfare. We've got a pretty good social committee, do lots of stuff in the community and then there's my favourite - boardroom drinks. The last Friday of every month they lay out wine, beer, soft drinks and crisps in the boardrooma nd everyone goes down at 5pm to enjoy. It's meant to be a way for the different depts to come together and get to know each other. More often than not it's a cheap start to a good night out. The only thing about Friday's is that at lunch I go out with a few from my office to a bar and often have a couple there leaving my head swimming for the rest of the afternoon (well no-one really bothers anyway) and as I don't drink beer I get started on the wine. I only need one glass to get me tipsy. 3 later and i was conversing with one of the audit seniors about my very well co-ordinated look and then the two of us wrere doing everything we could to embarrass the new audit guys. I always feel really sorry for them, because unlike everyone else they don't get a welcome email so no-one knows who they are and they generally get ignored. Anyways we (well I say we, it was just me) pulled them up for staring at all the girls. I've never seen two guys blush so quickly. Highly amusing!!! Thankfully before I chance to embarass myself too much the boyfriend came to pick me up. The rest of the weekend was fairly uneventful save a trip to the cinema and a meal at the pub nearby (which was disgusting!). I'm hoping work will pick up alittle this week as i really need the money. The day job is pretty manic and I need to get my head down and get on with work rather than messing about. I can'

My day job employer is actually pretty good when it comes to staff welfare. We've got a pretty good social committee, do lots of stuff in the community and then there's my favourite - boardroom drinks. The last Friday of every month they lay out wine, beer, soft drinks and crisps in the boardrooma nd everyone goes down at 5pm to enjoy. It's meant to be a way for the different depts to come together and get to know each other. More often than not it's a cheap start to a good night out. The only thing about Friday's is that at lunch I go out with a few from my office to a bar and often have a couple there leaving my head swimming for the rest of the afternoon (well no-one really bothers anyway) and as I don't drink beer I get started on the wine. I only need one glass to get me tipsy. 3 later and i was conversing with one of the audit seniors about my very well co-ordinated look and then the two of us wrere doing everything we could to embarrass the new audit guys. I always feel really sorry for them, because unlike everyone else they don't get a welcome email so no-one knows who they are and they generally get ignored. Anyways we (well I say we, it was just me) pulled them up for staring at all the girls.%

No jobs. No Mr Flash. No boyfriend (apart from a few texts). I was that bored I actually tidied!!!!

Christ I need to find a hobby. I don't do very well on my own.

Now back to actual blog topic of the day!! BBC breakfast news highlighted that self-harm is on the increase and one of the presenters (think it was Sian) asked if it was an attention seeking thing. That just goes to show how ignorant people are of what self harm is and why people do it. I carried on for 6 months before anyone realised and even though the boyfriend knows all about it the only way I can talk to him about it is through text.

While you're doing it your self esteem is at rock bottom and you feel ashamed just to be you (or atleast I did), a year on from seeing the doctor, I feel ashamed for having these scars on my body. I know I say sometimes that i wear them with pride but that only for myself, to prove to myself that I can get through it. I don't shout about it to other people. A few of my friends know but it took so much to tell them.

If anyone is suffering you have to tell someone. The main factor in me overcoming it was speaking to my GP. Just to have a professional tell me that I really was sick and I wasn't being stupid helped me to realise that I could get better and that it wasn't going to go on for the rest of my life 9which I was convinced it would). Now I have a couple of friends who I can call whenever things get bad. Unfortunately though you don't always know who those friends are till something really really bad happens
xxxx

Right in my last appraisal I was told that I am 'too nice' and that I should 'learn to say no'. Despite this maybe not being the best way to work i am rather proud of the fact that I please people. I find it very satisfying and get rather upset if I feel that I have genuinely offended someone and that they don't like me. So imagine how deverstated I felt when my new manager decided that she would call me into a meeting room with my old manager and the regional manager to say that I was unhelpful, blunt and generally rude.

I was gutted. Everyone else i know has told me to completely ignore her (which I am trying to do) and that it is completely false. Yes I admit I can be a little blunt sometimes, particularly when tired or extremely busy, but I have always been brought up to be polite and accomodating and NEVER rude.

I can take constructive criticsm but the way she spoke was not constructive it left me feeling 6 inches tall and crying in the loos for 10 mins afterwards.

This woman is lucky she even has a job as they was talk following the merger of our companies that she would be left redundant.

Grrr well I'm just getting on with things. I ended up leaving my old job because of a woman like her and descending into depression and self harm. That is NOT going to happen again.

I don't have it in any way shape or form.

I can't give up smoking, I can't give up the occasional pill on a night out and I can't give up Mr Flash. The boy was meant to pick me up after college last night (I'm taking an evening IT course). He couldn't cuz he is sick and god damn it I told Mr Flash and he came and picked me up. Guess it's my own fault for calling him in the first place.

Two songs spring to min 'I got youuu under my skin.....' and ' I put a spell on you'.

Urgh I will try. No promises tho

Hmmmm...

Yesterday I emailed mr Flash to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore that I realised that I like the biy more that i thought yadda yadda. We carried on emailing all friendly and he said he was pleased for me but that he still loved me and always would.

Today he has rung me twice and started emailing me. Could it be that Mr flash is jealous? Seems a bit odd. Mr Flash has a lot of money and generally if he wants something he buys it - as he did with me the first time we met and now all of sudden he cant have me and I don't think he likes it.

Just had to interrupt writing my blog due to a rather odd email from Mr Flash
"so did you take the opportunity to tell him the truth ?? or are you still hiding bits from him, you do know that until you do and you act and behave with that truth ( ie focus your horn on him ) then your only delaying the inevitable. Your being selfish at the moment and trying to cover your tracks ... sometimes telling the truth is'nt as bad as you think it will be, if he really liked and care for you you would be able to work through it.

thats a 33 years of experience talking, but hey I guess it's your life"

WTF?! Men I give up. You say we're complicated but you lot just don't make sense!

So the boy has found out - not everything. He just thinks Mr Flash has been in touch. He doesn't know that I've seen him or that anything has happenned. But the fact that I didn't tell him that he'd been in touch really hurt him and I can understand that.

I cried myself to sleep at 2am when we finally stopped texting. I love Mr Flash and he does love me but he'll never be able to commit 100%. And with the Boy? I think it's now a case of you don't know what yoou've got till it's gone. We haven't completely broke up and I hope we don't. I'm not saying I'm in love with him yet but I don't want to lose him.

Yes Mr Flash is exciting and he gets my heart pumping but he also makes me feel so weak and so used. The boy just makes me feel safe and secure and maybe for that reason I have taken advantage. The boy makes me happy and it's time to stop being selfish.

I need to use what little will power I posess to really once and for all cut myself off from Mr Flash. I have this feeling it's going to be like a drug addict coming clean. Mr Flash got under my skin in a big way and it's going to be hard to flush him out. But I have to stop being selfish and make sure everyone else is happy because it's the only way I'll be happy.

Ok someone please answer me this. Surely if you cheated on someone then due to the guilt and everything (which believe me I do feel) you should be acting wierd round the pereson you've cheated on?

Hmm well not in my case it seems. I went and stayed at the boys last night and it was probably one of the better nights I've spent with him! We talked for ages and then had amazing sex with me eventually falling asleep in his arms and then woke up early this morning to have more amazing sex.

I don't get it. Could be that the thrillof knowing I could get caught out has suddenly made this relationship more interesting? Certainly seems that way. My heart pounded when i got a text (it was only my aunt). I think Mr Flash is right. I think I may be a little addicted to Drama!!

So anyways after my amazing night with Mr Flash (and it was amazing) I spent the day in Glasgow training people on how to use our CRM database. It was actually quite fun but what a gloomy city Glasgow is (sorry to anyone this offends - to be fair it was 8am and drizzling!).

I got back to Mr Flash's about 10 mins before him and it was so good standing at his door and seeing him drive down the street. His smile drew me in before he'd even reached the drive.

The two of us were shattered from the night before so just laid down in bed kissing passionately his hands exploring up my skirt and then.... the doorbell rang. He's selling his house and we were expecting poeple but they were early!! He went downstairs whilst I quickly tidies the bedroom. It was so funny because they just assumed I lived there and we were together. I have to admit it was actually a really good feeling but they were asking so many questions about work that had been done to the house and of course I didnt have a clue. Although i di know the council tax band and how long it took to get into town ha ha!!

After they left we went back to bed, shagged each others brains out and fell asleep for an hour. He had work to do and I needed sleep so headed off home. But then he called me at 10pm. I'd mentionned something that I'd met someone on the plane that I hadn't seen in months and only told him half the story. He couldn't sleep until he knew everything lol and they we were back as usual to our late night conversations. Fantastic!

And my decision on the whole what do I do about my messed up love life? Nothing. I'm going to have my cake and eat. I'm taking singleman's advice on this - yes you do have peaks and troughs. I'm 23 with no intention of settling down anytime soon so I'm going to enjoy the nice boyfriend and then have my real fun with Mr Flash - I'll keep you posted!!!

xxxx

Even in my last work appraisal, I was told by my boss that I was too nice and I must learn to say no occasionally. This also extends to my personal life.

How can I put this or do I even need to put it a certain way? By now I think you have all realised that I am completely predictable - especially when it comes to Mr Flash.

I went round. To begin with it was fine, we were completely just mates. He knew I was on call (more about that in a min because it was a very funny night!), he knew I am seeing someone. My first job came in for 8.30 and I said bye and told him I'd be back later. Wierd thing was as I went to say goodbye I really wanted to give him a kiss. just a little one on the cheek, like you do when you say bye to someone before going to work.

Anyways had the jobs and when I got back he was still up dresed in his x-mas pyjamas (he's bought us both a pair whilst we were still together. Odd but really kinda sweet). I walked in we said hello and just naturally kissed - just a little peck on the lips but it was sooooo normal. In fact so normal it was kinda scary.

We sat and had a glass of wine and then went upstairs. I changed into some pyjamas and slid into bed with him. We'd somehow decided that this wouldn't be a bad idea(!!!!!!) we were cuddled up and then he leant over and kissed me. Just softly at first and the more passionately. I know it's a cliche but it was as if time had stopped. For that moment I was lost in his arms again. For the next hour we talked and giggled, tickled each other and yes we had sex and like everytime I'd had sex with him before my body just melted into him.

He kept apologising but it didn't matter. I don't hate him for what he did even though I probably should. He also said that he would be happy being my 'bit on the side'. oh god I know i shouldn't but can I really have my cake and eat it? I'm pretty adept at hiding things. i've been an escort for months and barely anyone knows after all.

Back to the jobs though. I had two which was good since I've been doing alot of travelling for the day job and until I get my expenses back funds are pretty low. The first guy I saw at Bewleys hotel. I like it there. It's basic but not so basic that it looks cheap. The guy must have been about 60 and he was sleezy. He poured me a glass of wine and immediately startedd kissing me (not a good kisser in the slightest - far too wet!) and groping my tits. He undressed me and laid me on the bed. The good thing was he didn't really want me to do anything. He just wanted to feel me and perform oral. After he came he did get hard again but didn'tt keep it up long enough to have full sex lol. All in all despite being sleezy he wasn't too bad. Quite chatty which makes it less awkward.

And the second guy. He was one of my favourite type of clients. I met him at the flat just after 10. He'd paid for an hour but was gone in about 15 minutes. It's just too easy to guy worked up. I got him going with a bit of a blow job (he was asian and they always smell funny so can't do it for long) and my magic hands. Wham bam thankyou mam and another £150 in the back pocket.

And then back to Mr Flash's for some really lovin.....

We've been texting all morning. I feel bad because of my boyfriend but I don't love him. I love Mr Flash.

OMG just when you think something is all over and done with it something else happens.

Ok so, slight bit of background first. Despite the face that I really like my job I always like to keep my options open. For such reason I have applyed for a job with HBOS which is where Mr Flash is currently contracted. I was trying to find a phone number for one of the other offices and couldn't so emailed him. Nothing too chatty just asking for the number. anyways today we got chatting on email and I told him I was going to Glasgow tomorrow. I also complained that I was a bit miffed as I was going to have to get up early as the airport is a good 30 mins from where I live.

Anyway his response to this was come stay at mine as he lives quite close. And dumb dumb here accepted although I'm thinking that I'll just text him later and tell him that I'm gonna stay at home. Meeting up with him for a drink is one thing. Staying at his house, even in a seperate room is quite another!

Despite suffering with tonsillitus for the past few days, me and the boyfriend braved the British weather and headed over the Pennines to Blackpool. Despite the torrential downpour on the way (seriously Icould not see anything on the motorway!) the weather at Blackpool was lovely. The boyfriend got me on all the big rides and realised after the Pepsi max how amazingly scared I am of them - i literally wedge myself in shut my eys and hope for the best!!

Anys the day had been great, if not a little expesive. unfortunately it was about to get more expensive as I got caught going 'over 90' (they couldn't give me an exact speed). all I can say is its a good job they didn't have a scanner as not long earlier I'd definately been doing 110. ah well 3 points and £60 fine. My first ever sice I started driving nearly 5 years ago so I'm still pretty good!!

Got to go up to the station today and produce the paper part of my licence. Fun Fun Fun.

Off to Glasgow on Tuesday for the day (I know random!!). It's for work and theis week will be as busy as ever but something tells me it won't be overly exciting!!

xxxx

Ok slightly melodramatic title but it has been a very long couple of days. Yesterday I had an event in the morning. Thankfully the venue was only 5 mins from my house but I still had to be there at 7am and not leaving work till nearly 6pm left me shattered. There had been no work Monday night so although I really needed it I decided to wimp out last night as I was just too tired.

Today hasn't been much better. As I am a bit of a geek (understatement of the centuary!) I am a superuser for my works database. Today we had a development meeting down in London. They can be quite interesting but with sitting on a train for 5 hours you get very tired. Plus we got delayed and had to pick some people up in Retford as their train broke down.I'm still on the train at the min. I'm just glad the wireless is working. Think too many people were on it earlier so I actually ended up doing work. Arrggghhh!!!! he he.

And it will be a long night tonight. Why? Because I'm not seeing the boyfriend. I was looking forward to it but he has a lot of stuff that needs doing so I'm leaving him to it. He's got footie tomorrow and I'm hoping I get atleast one job so Friday will be the next time we see each other. And do you want to hear the sweetest thing? He's changed his facebook photo to one with both of us on it. Awwwww. So cute.

Last night I realised that Mr Flash wasn't doing my head in because I still loved him it was just because I needed a bit of closure. I needed that definite, explicit moment for one of us to say thats it. And it came last night.

I'd text him Friday to see if he wanted to go for a drink but just as he had got back to me the boyfriend was picking me up so I chatted for all of 2 mins and said goodbye. We text a couple of times on Sat and then he called me Sunday evening. It was an odd phonecall. It was like I knew he wanted to say something I just wasn't sure what it was. Anyways, we got chatting and it was as if everything started making sense. He asked me about the boyfriend. At first I played our relationship down as part of me still wondered if me and Mr Flash would get back together but as I spoke I realised more and more that Mr Flash had looked down on me due to the escorting, the cuts and my age. 'Well you are 10 years younger'. Yeah I might be mate but I act a hell of alot older than you!

There was no name-calling or shouting and finally i said to him that there was no way I would be able to get with him as I didn't trust him. Ok maybe a little hypocritical coming from a girl who is hiding from her boyfriend that she is an escort. But this gave me closure and for the first time since I met that man I don't want to speak to him. I don't want to be touched by him. And the best bit....? I'm happy about it. It really feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders.

And as for the boyfriend? Well things are going fantastic. This weekend we really relaxed around each other and everything from talking with each other, me talking to his mates, even the sex was a million times better. He sent me the cheesiest text this morning but I loved it. Us girls, and me in particular, love a bit of romance and when it comes unexpectedly at 7.30am it just puts a smile on your face for the rest of the day.

He might not be 'the one' right now but he's good for me and you never know he might be 'the one' in the future. For now Im happy being happy.

Morning people

I realise I have been very lax with this blog of late and it's for one main reason - not much is going on. Having been forced out of the night job for the week as the monthly annoyance has arrived, life has become rather dull.

I have however had chance to concentrate on two things I rather enjoy. Being creative and shopping. Now as I think I may have mentionned before the day job is in Marketing. Most of the time this involves organising events (originally very exciting but the novelty is wearing off fast) and maintaining the database (which keeps the geek in me very entertained!).

However, every so often you get to do something rather fun and this week it has been doing a marketing update and re-organising the intranet. Now I work for a fairly large accountants which has recently merged and we now have four offices in West Yorkshire so the intranet pages have required my amazing organisatioinal skills to ensure you don't get lost in it. It's looking pretty good and the complements from a certain dishy intranet co-ordinator (well he looks nice in his pic anyway) have been a welcome perk over the last few days.

As for the marketing update, this has gone from it's usual 2 sides of A4 dull affair to a fantasic and very professional document highlighting the company brand values, mailings, events, corporate social responsibility, social committee and more. I've had to make it much more indepth so that all the new people know what I'm going on about but I have to say I'm very proud!!

And now for the shopping!!!! I'm going out with the boyfriend tomorrow night for his mates birthday. As is the tradition amongst the young in Leeds you have to dress up and this occasion's theme is camoflage. Well thats fine for the boys but girls don't often wear camoflage and there isn't much of it in the shops so I'm doing military chic. I have a very short Khaki shirt dress form Primark (where I fit into a size 10 - so so happy!!!) some dog tags, aviators (you can't go to a club without them darrrllliiinnnngggg) and some gorgeous black shoes with silver heels. i was going to wear fishnets as well but have decided tanned legs will do fine. Top that off with some gorgeous curls in my hair and you have one 'sexy bitch' as the boyfriend says.

I may be attached now but thats no reason to dress down. In fact it makes it all the more fun teasing the boys who can't have you he he xoxo

Oh and new favourite programme - Gossip girl. It's American trash but i seem to be hooked on it along with Dirty Sexy Money, CSI and House (does Britain make any good tv??)

I'm ill and I know for a fact it's down to the fucking air con in this building. How do I know this? Because as soon as I've been away from it for an hour I feel a million times better.

I do realise that when I get over to Oz I will be hailing the inventor of air con as a god but in the meantime my head is fuzzy, my throat hurts and I have a stiff neck. And what tops it off? I'm horny. I know very odd thing to say but I am. Haven't had sex since Sat night. Far too long if you ask me. Hopefully seeing the boyfriend tonight (I am so gonna jump him!) and working wed - Fri so hopefully get a fair few jobs from those days. Well say 3 hours atleast.

Spoke to Mr Flash on email a bit yesterday. Was nice cuz we just spoke as mates. I mean ok we still love each other and I would give anything to back with him (I know at this point you are screaming at me not to be so stupid, or if you are bloke you are tuttering and saying something along the lines of 'bloody women' - I don't care either way) - anyways we were just talking as mates and thats good. And the magic 8 ball(I was extremely bored last night!) says I'm going to get back with him, but apparently we're not going to get married, but we are going to have a child together. And the magic 8 ball is always right.... LOL

xxxxxx