Well last night was a little unexpected to say the least. It was boardroom drinks. Unlikelast time I didn't go to bed at 5am in a drug induced stupour. Instead I stayed out in Leeds at a bar called Sandinista drinking with three of the guys from work. Several drinks later the flirting between myself and one of them was well pretty obvious. Thankfully the other two guys we were with just didn't seem to have a clue - good job really. The last thing i need is rumours going round the office!!

Anyway a few stolen kisses later the other two lads left and me Miggy grabbed a taxi.... back to his. Now Miggy is not my type at all. He's skinny. I'm not really into skinny guys. i'm a size 12 and I firmly believe that man should be bigger than you. But I wasn't complaining as he slid two figers in my pussy and had me gasping for breath. It was by no means a fantastic shag and I doubt it will be repeated but it was a good start to the weekend!!

I'm still hoping that match.com will come over tonight. But I haven't heard from him so we'll wait and see. Otherwise it's a bottle of wine for one. How sad.

The other option I suppose is go meet my parents. They're coming all the way from Suffolk to see me for my birthday. Well my mum wants to see me, I think my step dad is just bored and wants a night away from home lol.

No I think I'll stick to the bottle of wine for one. I'm spending the wholeday with them tomorrow. Thats more than enough time for this year.

xxxx

OMG I cried like a baby. Considering my physical state I am a little extra emotional but by god was that a good chick flick. for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about I mean SEX AND THE CITY!!! I wasn't a mad fan of the series but I did enjoy it but the film oh my god the twists, the laughs and the tears - seriously anyone who hasn't seen it yet please take tissues. All I can say is thank god for waterproof mascara else I'd have ended up looking like Alice Cooper.

I won't go on tho as I don't want to let out any of the plot and ruin it for anyone else.

Afterwards there was noodles and wine - followed by a trip to M&S at the station to pick up another bottle for when I got home. But, and I suppose in a way i shoulld be flattered, 6 days before my 24th birthday i get ID'd. It could have been more embarrassing because I couldn't find by drivers licence at first. I'm sure the guy just did it to wind me up but oh well.

The night did get rather interesting tho. 2 lads on msn. One of which I have intimate knowledge of and another who I met on match.com (yes I signed up for a month - never to be repeated) I've never actually met him but we have had fun with some not so innocent flirting hehe.

Bad news now. i have just (litterally this second) found out that my oh so romantic evening with Mr Flash on Saturday has been cancelled due to him having to work. Typical.

So AB came round. Not quite as toned as I remember him but still fir. The sweetheart had a very nice bottle of wine and two big bars of chocolate - seriously could not have made a better entrance. Hadn't seen him in months so the first half hour or so was a little awkward. Both of us not quite sure whether to kiss, hold hands or what really, but then he lifted my head up and kissed me and everything fell back to how it was all those months ago.

Now before I get too sentimental I'm going to point out here and now that I have absolutely no intention of pursuing AB as an actual bifriend. The guy broke my heart once, he isn't going to be doing it again. And plus I don't want a proper proper boyfriend. And I'm going out with Mr Flash on Saturday to celebrate my birthday. I think I mentionned that I'd been in touch with him by text previously and that he hadn't replied. Well turns out he (allegedly) had to get a new sim card and so didn't receive my text. Hmmm. Not sure I belive it but nevermind. I just want one night with him and to forget all the bad stuff.

I just hope I feel better. I know I will. it's that time of the month and I always feel like I'm going to die on the first day. Either tyhat or I really am coming down with something. I'm feeling very flu - y
xxx

Morning all

Last night I was suffering from the washing machine affect as Lauren puts it. Loads of thoughts going round and round and just not stopping. By the end of it you end up feeling a bit dizzy. Anyways it meant that at around midnight I ended up logging on to msn and facebook just to see if anyone was up and as it happenned there were two blasts from the past online.

The first was a girl called Tigger - I know odd name but it was a nickname from way back, no idea how she got it and from the way she reacted when I called her it I doubt she's been called it in years lol. Anyway the good thing about Tigger - apart from catching up was the fact that I got to talk to her - really talk to her. Tig sufferred from Anorexia and self harming for 6 years. Ok I haven't done it since feb but I still think about it and stuff still gets me down way more than it should, so it was good to speak to someone who had been through it had moved on. It's been 3 1/2 years since she last self harmed and she looks amazing. My scars are still fading but I hope one day i can say that I have finally put it behind me.

The othe blast from the past was AB. AB was a 6' gorgeous blonde hunk who I dated for a few weeks last year. Like most of my relationships it had been a bit of a whirlwind but we both had personal issues and things fell apart. We kept in touch though and met up every so often but nothing ever really came of it. Then I went through a faze right after my initial affair with Mr Flash where I was determined to settle down and have a long term meaningful relationship. AB didn't want that and so we gave up on seeing each other.

Last night though, I made it quite clear to him that a) I wasn't seeing anyone (Mr Flash doesn't count as I don't see him often enough) and b) I had no intention f getting into a long term relationship (mainly because I'm terrible at them). It worked and he's coming over tonight. The great thing about AB was that when I agreed he should come over his response was 'what time? what wine would you like and what type of chocolate should I bring?' and he's 6', blonde, muscular with a tatoo and keeps out of trouble. Ok he doesn't have his own house or a car but who cares when you have a body like his to wrap your legs round ha ha!!

xxxx

Friday night - an early one. Asleep by 10pm

Saturday - didn't get up till 12.30pm

Saturday night went to see Lauren. Frankie came round too (he hates that name is sooooo funny!!! Was good to have the wo of them back together as friends. really good in fact. Was a very funny night just catching up on what we'd all been doing.

Today? one of the most boring days of my life. I have nothing to do and no-one seems to be around - or atleast no-one is answering my texts. I'm soooooo bored. bank holiday tomorrow. Decided I'm gonna go into the office and get some work done. Being busy beats being bored anyway!

Been thinking about Mr Flash all day. Probably because I'm bored. It's my birthday soon and i really want to speand a night with him but something tells me i'm not going to be seeing him for quite a while. Talk about hot and cold lol. Ah well.

As you all are aware cowbag is leaving and I was thinking of applying for her role. in fact I was rather eager as I thought having been there a year I know what I am doing and pratically doing the job anyway.

Thing is the regional manager and the BD manager are a little cliquey and it seemed a bit odd that they hadn't spoken to me about the role. Anyways I decided to be a little pro-active and emailed the BD manager as to whether I had a shot at the position. Her answer...... no. Ok she wasn't as blunt as that but that was the jist.

As such i have decided to look outside of the company for position. So if anyone knows of any marketing Exec positions - preferably in leeds city centre but in Leeds generally will do. I have experience in events, CRM, DM and creative projects. I've had some dealings with Business development - although not much. I'm a quick and eager learner and I'm at my best when I'm thrown in at the deep end - I generally swim than sink!!!!

Ah well I'll let you know how I get on in the hunt xx

I'm not coping very well at the moment. Don't get me wrong I am looking after myself - I'm washing, eating, turning up for work. However, I'm turning up for work at 7.30am and not leaving till afetr 6pm (it was 6.40pm before I actually left the office last night.

All I can say is that it's a good job I don't have a boyfriend. Given my current situation I wouldn't have been able to see him this week anyway. With cowbag leaving she's passed everything over to.... the old exec who is now a BD manager who is going to pass it all back to..... me. So why didn't cowbag just do that originally?

I'm not saying that I would have been able to get started on much of it but atleast I would have known what needs doing. Instead I'm still in the dark and know that once I've had a meeting with the old exec, the shit is going to hit the fan and I'm probably going to have a meltdown.

As it is I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. I have even had to cancel my holiday time tomorrow.

Not impressed!!! xx

Hello all

So much to tell!!!!

Well Friday night as you know I stayed at Mr Flash's. Not very exciting as most of it really was sleep.

Sat was great. Got home, chilled out, did a few chores and then went to see an old housemate of mine. *Frankie* (he wanted a really camp name but have not got any imagination today) and me used to be extremely close. He's gay and me being a good old fag hag got along with him brilliantly. Unfortunately he had a massive fight with Lauren and ended up moving out. I was really upset but we left things on a bit of a wierd note and hardly spoke to each other since. Anyway, time is a great healer and 3 bottles of wine we were back to our normal selves, and I'm happy to say I have a good friend back.

We ended up going out into town. One vodka lemonade and I was practically falling over but not before phoning Mr Flash (i know!). He told me not to come round as he was too sleepy. Probably a good idea as I woke up 8 hours later in bed (alone thankfully!), fully dresses and with a pounding head. I couldn't find any asprin in arms reach so decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up about lunchtime with big munchies - does anyone else ever get that after a night on the lash? I could literally eat anything and not feel full! About 5pm I started to feel normal again and thought it might be an idea to give my room a tidy as it looked like a bomb had hit it - again why does that always happen after a night out? Whilst doing this I got a text from the boyf. I hadn't spoken to him since Thursday evening and to be honest although he had fluttered into my mind once or twice I hadn't missed him.

We got chatting on text and eventually the conversation steered onto how I was feeling about everything. I had to bite the bullet. I told him that I liked my space. Iliked him. But just wasn't sure the two fit together. He tried to convince me that we could see less of each other and still be together. I disagreed and when he eventually asked if he 'still had the honour of calling me his girlfriend' I said no. I felt like such a bitch. He came round after that and spent a couple of hours crying, which set me off. I hate seeing people cry, I have no idea what to do or say. He left as a friend but when I'll speak to him next I don't know. I want to give him some time out to get his head together before I even approach the subject of maybe hanging out as friends.

Today has been a complete bore. I've been over in Manchester in Corporate Responsability meeting. 4 hours talking about charity events and recycling. Bare in mind I did not volunteer for this role. It was thrust upon me taking up even more of my preciious time. Ah well I'll just deal with it and be brilliant as always ha ha. Only bugger tho was that I managed to burn my skirt with a ciggerette and drop lunch down me. Had to quickly get a new outfit from H&M as I had an interview with a recruitment agency. I figure that although I want Cowbag's job I might as well keep my options open.

Right I'm off for a well earned rest and will be in work bright and early tomorrow as always. So much to do so little time to do it.

xxxxxx

The last two weeks have been tough for me. The whole Mr Flash saga has flared up again, work has been terribly busy and of course problems withmy car. all this has left me drained, overly emotional and just generally a little stressed. Cutting myself even came to mind a few days ago. I would have loved to have felt that blade slice through my skin. The little rush of adrenelyn you feel when the blood starts to drip through your arm. Sorry if thats a little graphic but those who have been there will know.

But I stayed strong and didn't go there. The thought of trying to hide it afterwards, the sympathetic face of the boyf if he saw it. It's something so private that i just couldn't do it.

Last night though I got what I needed - sleep. Mr Flash had been at work for pretty much 24 hours trying to solve some technical thing. I went straight round after work. He expected me to be awake and full of energy and had apologised for being sleepy but explained he wanted to be near me, to feel my skin near his. I wasn't fussed. By half seven I was looking pretty dead myself and by 8pm we were both tucked up in bed. We were both so relaxed and extremely horny and had sex but it was different. Cuz our bodies didn't have the energy to put up that fight of being a little self concious it felt amazing. Granted I could have fallen asleep inside me but the otrgasms (note the plural!) were.....amazing (was trying to think of another word but can't).

Both of us laid there and then it came. That blanket of warnth which comes when your mind and body switch off completely. So badly needed. I feel so much more chilled now and I have the whole weekend to do what I want without the boy.

Bliss xxxxx

I want to break up with the boyf. i'm not happy. I thought I was but I'm not. The more I think about it the more I want to get away. I've been looking at my past blogs and it's almost as if im just too eager for things to work out. I know how I feel now and i know what I want. I want lots more free time to myself and I want to see Mr Flash more often. Which whilst never certain - i'm happy for it to be an occasional thing, rather than a proper relationship. I like flirting. I actually quite enjoy sleeping around (safely!). I don't want to be tied in.

Lets just see how things pan out tho.

As for the boyf, I've left it that we are going to see less of each other and we'll see what happens. He's re-iterated that he's falling for me. That is what is making me feel so bad. I don't want to hurt him but it's going to happen. Last time when I thought I might lose him I was really upset. I don't think it was really because I might lose him but more because i'd been caught out. Atleast if I'm not with him I cant be caught out. Mr Flash knows exactly what I do and accepts it.

I 'llbreak things off with the boy but gently. He's an innocent in my life of sin. I want to reduce the amount of hurt I cause him.

xxxxxx

the boyfriend.

Got talking to Mr Flash about the boyf this morning(oh yeah I stayed round last night). He is really sweet and so innocent in some ways but he's a year younger than me in age and a year younger in life. I can honestly say that 1 year ago almost exactly I was in the same position as him. Decent enough job that could take me places but held back by management who didn't have the time or inclination to really develop me and shit pay.

I've moved on from that personally and professionally and yet I've ended up with a guy who is still back there. And why? Because I wanted some one stable and safe and who would be there on tap. Thing is I thought there was a possibility I was falling for him and whilst their have been doubts about that in the back of mind for a while, it was confirmed last night night when I was with Mr Flash that there was no way I could ever fall in love with the boyf. A case of 'if it was going to happen it would have happenned by now'.

Up until I met Mr Flash I always thought I was in love with every guy I went out with. The fact that I couldn't stop talking about them, that I thought about them all the time. I thought thats what love was. It's so not. Now Mr Flash? Him I love. Him I would drop everything for and he would do the same. With him I feel at my most comfortable, happy and sexy and it's him that I don't want to pressure into a formal relationship because.....well...... I don't know that really deep down I want one. I'm an only child and I'm used to being on my own. I like company but sometimes it just gets a bit much. As Mr Flash said this morning I need someone I can pick up and put down when I want. A relationship of convenience where maybe you only see each other once a week and don't have to talk to them everyday.

Right now I want to focus on my career. There are so many oppotunities opening up and I don't want to miss them because my boyfriend is complaining about me not spending time with him. The boyf wasn't exactly complaining but he didn't see me Monday night because I was working late. Yesterday I was chilling out because I had to be up so early for an event - and yes went to see Mr Flash, and tonight I'm on call so have just told him I want an early night and won't be seeing him. Just the weekend to face then.

You're probably just thinking why I don't I just talk to him get him to slow things down? Well thing is if that happens, the only time I'll see him is the weekend and I kinda want my weekends back. I want to be able to go to the boat with Mr Flash, I want to be able to go see Lauren and make sure she's ok. I want to have a life again. I don't have many friends cuz I work so much but like I said previously, I kinda like being on my own.

Plus if I had my weekends back then I could get my life ordered a little better. I could go see my family more often. I feel I could do a lot of things. In this day and age and with the working week the way it is, people don't have much spare time. I know I certainly don't feel like I have much. I want to do something with it other than watch DVD's that i'm not really bothered about or tv. I want to get back into reading books, I want to go out and learn things.

I'm just feeling completely shut in at the moment and i can't seem to deal with. But the real question is..... how do I break up with the boyf without breaking his heart?

xxxxx

Today could not get any better.

My car is fixed, my manager has given notice (so I'm going to apply for her job!!) and I'm seeing Mr Flash tonight. Screw being faithful, screw the boy. I want to be happy, really happy, for one night atleast!!

Right I stayed in the office till 9pm last night because I'm so f*cking busy and no one is willing to help!!!! Got into my car - was a bit dodgy but I thought I'd atleast get home. Oh no, it broke down in a less than great of place of Leeds. I called the AA out again and then tried to call the boyfriend - 3 times and at no point did he pick up!!! so I called....you guessed it... Mr Flash.

To be fair by this time, I was shaking and I had strange men in cars slowing down to look at me. I did not want to be waiting by myself.

In the meantime a policeman showed up and I waited in his car till Mr Flash arrived which was sweet. When Mr Flash did eventually get there he held me in his arms, kissed me and it was like I'd only seen him yesterday. it kinda confirmed that as much as the boy is great, that maybe things will never be as good as they are as when I'm with Mr Flash.

Oh god I miss him xxxx

He fixed my car!!!! Turns out it was just a loose connection, but atleast it means I've got AA cover again. Expensive but the amount I use my car probably worth it. He reckons it's fixed for good butI've brought my car into work so at 5.30pm when I leave we will just have to see.

If I could get away with public transport I would but it's just not practical at the moment.

Oh well just means i'll have to do a couple more jobs.

The boyfriends brother has been away for the past few days so i've been staying with him. Friday evening we were planning to go out for some drinks so I rushed back to mine to grab a shower and a couple of bits i needed and then go over. Guess who called me on my way home...... Mr Flash!!!!

It was so funny. He was aksing me what I was up to. Probably expecting 'nothing much' or for me to say I'm working but actually I did have plans - which I will discuss in 2 secs. He seemed a little put off by this (and by the fact that I wasn't to interested in speaking to him as I was driving and in a rush). He then went on to do the 'well don't you want to know what I'm up to this weekend?'. Well up till that point, actually no I wasn't bothered in the slightest but of course just by asking he got me intrigued. Well turns out he'd managed to buy a boat and he was off to Wales to go spend the weekend on it.

Exactly what was the point in telling me he was going? And the point in telling me (a few hours later) that it was beautiful and he wishes i was there. Could it be that Mr Flash is missing me again. I've barely spoken to him 2 weeks so maybe he's haing withdrawal symptoms?! Had it not been a weekend where I realised just how poor the boyfriend is and that i really don't have much to talk to him about it wouldn't have been so bad. i admit i did spend bits of the weekend thinking I should be on that both with a few bottles of champagne.

Instead we had walks around Golden Acre park with a cheap bbq after on sat - where I got to meet him mum and sister. I'm sure they are lovely but first impressions were chav (daughter) and Daisy out of Keeping Up Appearences. Like I say, i'm sure they are lovely really.

Today i was more bored. We ended up at Bolton abbey, which was just gorgeous. There were loads of people there but not so many that it was too busy. a big group of us are hoping to go back next Sunday.

Bad news though this weekend is that there is something up with my car. immobiliser and other electrics hae gone haywire. Very odd!!! Off to the garage tomorrow. Hate to think how much that will cost me!
xxx

Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a lot to handle
You don't know trouble, I'm a hell of a scandle
Me?  I'm a scene, I'm a drama queen
I'm the best damn thing that you're eyes have ever seen!

(Avril Lavigne, The best damn thing)

Every girl likes to be admired. From the most timid to the loud (and sometimes obnoxious) every girl likes to know that she is found attractive by someone - anyone. Even better is when that someone happens to be the guy that the girl is falling for big time.

Now when I first got involved with boy I have to admit I was more than a little sceptical and even called him 'just entertainment', but he's really surprised me. You know the whole 'don't judge a book' thing? well that so applies to him. When I first met him all I could think was dead end job, dead end mates and only interested in drinking. What I have in fact found is a hunky IT geek who likes sci fi, video games, romantic walks along the canal, is ambitious, wants to learn and recognises that although he'll always be mates with the lads he hangs around with (well he's known them since primary school) that there is more to life that drinks, drugs and girls.

Yesterday I was 'on call' not one job though due to the bank holiday, so rather than waste my entire evening I clocked off and went to see the boy. I was just wearing a very casual top and jeans but his first words to me as I walked through the door was 'god you look sexy!!' To say it made me smile was a bit of an understatement lol as shortly afterwards he had me upstairs pinned to the bed (don't you just love quickies!!)

It's only been 2 weeks since I last spoke to Mr Flash (even though it feels like forever). Everytime I get an urge to text him or email him I just try and think about how upset I'd be if I lost the boy. Answer? Extremely. I can't risk it. Plus I don't want to be using that L word around the boy with so little time between me and Mr Flash.

The night job will finish soon. Worked out I only actually need to save £250 more for my holiday and then another £500 to cover tax, MOT, etc for my car and then I'm out. If I save £100 from each job then thats 8 jobs to go. I think I'll miss it a bit. I'll certainly miss the money but I won't miss the lies, the staying in on an evening just in case a job comes in, the sleezy hands on me. I can't be asked with it anymore. I want to have fun this summer!!!

xxxxx

Anyone who has been or hired an escort will know that 'a-levels' refers to anal sex. Until this morning i had never done it. Kinda flirted with it a bit but never actually experienced. All i can say is WOW!!!! Ok I'm in a little bit of pain at the minute (well my boyfriend is rather big) but oh my god it was great!!

Had sucha cool night last night. Me my boyfriend and his brother just stayed up drinking and chatting. It was really good and well I kinda told the boy I'm falling for him. I didn't actually use the L word as I don't think I'm quite there yet but I'm close. I'm very close.

xxxxx

I have actually started getting a bit low on funds lately (I've just paid out for my tickets and other bits and bobs for Oz) so I was extremely pleased when I got job last night. In fact I got two. Only down side was that one of them was a two hour job. Now don't get me wrong. The money is a big help but i get bored and it can be quite hard to hide sometimes. Especially when the job is with an indian guy who doesn't actually want sex just company (sorry but why don't you just go to a bar and save yourself the money??!!)

Besides the point. Less commission and rent (they were incalls at one of the flat and you have to pay £5 per half hour to use it), I came away with a little over £300. Not bad at all.

Got the Fri - Sun with the boy now which is fantastic. Have told him that I'm busy on the bank holiday but have decided to work that day. with anyluck I can get £400- £600 if I work all day. That should then be enough for Oz and some more towards my car (friggin car tax is going up again!!!!). I really need to get to a point where I have a little bit saved up so I can quit altogether. Having a double life is exhausting!! xxxxxx

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

My boyfriend has this on his wall on facebook. I think I'm beginning to know what it means. As much as I whine that the boy isn't maybe as intellectually stimulating as I like, I have friends to do that.

He keeps showing new sides to me and he's showing me that he wants to be ambitious and learn and progress and thats one of the main things I've wanted out of a partner. Someone who isn't going to settle and just wish that one day might come. Instead he's going out making one day happen.

The thing about Mr Flash is that he kinda got there and now it's all about the money. There's no learning there anymore. I still want him but I think there is part of me that is maybe being weaned off. It started when he chucked me out. I couldn't stop loving him but atleast my head started to think more clearly.

I'm tired and rambling. I didn't get to sleep till 1.30am. I went to sleep and woke up thinking of the boy. Good sign I think xxxx