This past week has been stupidly busy. tuesday as you are all ware i felt like shit. Wednesday went better and we had another big dinner in the afternoon which unfortunately didn't go to plan as the service was shit but i've left it to the boss to sort out. I don't get paid enough to argue with people. And anyway Wednesday night was great because i got to see mr Flash.

I'd been pissed off because he'd gone awol but i have to admit although it was his complete stupidity that got him in trouble he did have a very good excuse for not being round to answer my calls - he was locked up in a cell underneath Leeds Magistrates. His ex accused him of hitting her (not true) and he got put on bail. He wasn't meant to contact her but he did to talk about them two being friends and about their daughter and she called the police (vindictive cow). Anyways it was just lovely to curl up woth him. I was on my period so we couldn't have sex but that didn't stop us doing other stuff and me having one amazing orgasm!!!

Thursday night i got invoiited out to a captains table at The Living room (a great Restaurant on Greek Street) and Friday night I went out for drinks to say goodbye to one of my best mates from work - who drunkenly told one of the lads that i'd slept with someone from work - i was not impressed!!!!!!)

The yesterday we were part of a dragon boat race. Despite my horrible hangover it was really good. I can barely speak today due to all the screaming and shouting. Am hoping to see mr Flash tonight but not sure. It's Char's first night in the house and I also wanna stay in and share a bottle of wine with her. Thing is I'm in London Tues and Weds next week, Thurs we have our work BBq and if it's anything like last year I wont get in till 4am and Friday is Middy's leaving do (the one I slept with) and sat I think I'm going to BBq with Char so i won't get to see him again till next Sunday. It sucks but in a way is good because I'm busy I don't pine for him as much!!

xxxxxx

Yesterday was horrible. I was left feeling completely demoralised and incompetant due to a few measley place cards. Yes I know cowbag the first wants the event to be perfect but does it really matter if the edge of one letter ever so slightly over lips onto the bit you cut off?

Anyway it ended up with me practically in tears going back to Staples for the fourth time in a week to get more stuff. I'm sick of that place. I was on the verge of going home and ending it all - I really did feel that bad. Don't think it had helped that I'd not eaten and not slept.

Last night I got home and all I wanted to do was speak to Mr Flash but he's gone awol (typical!). He emailed me Monday to ask about my phone. I told him about the party. He asked if I'd slept with anyone (I hadn't!) and I flipped. So much for me trying to better myself and prove to everyone that I'm not slut. I guess he has reason to think like that but you'd think he'd have alittle faith in me. Anyway I've not spoken to him since.

I just want today to be over. I want this week to be over. I have a new housemate moving in at the weekend. She's great and it will be so so nice to have a fun girl in the house. Someone to have a glass of wine with on an evening!

Oh well back to the daily grind xxxx

Bad luck always comes in 3's I was once told.

Getting into an argument with a friend has got to be one. Being annoyed by a partner at the firm - not sure i can count that as two as it happens all the time but having my phone stolen?????? Definately a second. I've just left a house party at mine to come use the computer at work cuz some dickhead has come into my house and stolen my phone - not impressed!!!!!

More so as it has the most recent photo of my mum and two pictures of Laurens baby on it. Neither of which I've saved onto my computer. I'm not fussed about the rest of it - numbers I can replace but pictures? Once taken never forgotten and I already miss them.

Can't belive some fuck head would do that. And it's not even insured - my fault but still!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thought not. Ah well.

Libby land has been extremely busy of late which is why I've not posted. So a lil catch up...

Work
Sort of going swimmingly. The boss has been off so I've been a little more relaxed - maybe a little too relaxed which is why I'm in on a saturday. Just getting some menus and place cards printed. They're really really fiddly so kind helps if i'm cencentrating and not chatting away to someone! One of the partners did do my head in tho yesterday. I don't really know much about the client relationships here. i don't need to so there is very little I can add to a table plan. And yet he still made me sit in his office for hald an hour (repeatedly putting me down and telling me how to use excel!) while he put them together. Half an hour where I could have been doing something far more constructive!

Mr Flash
Not actually seen Mr Flash since last Sunday but we have been on the phone to each other every night. He was full of hayfever last night and was all bunged up and sounded quite sweet. He has his daughter over this weekend which is why I haven't seen him yet but I am seeing him tomorrow. YAY!

Lauren and baby
Frankie's not gonna be best pleased when he reads this because I wqas meant to take him with me, but I went to see Lauren and her very gorgeous, very cute, extremely chilled out baby last night. I generally find all babies pretty ugly but I am in love. Lauren text just as I was leaving to say that she was ready for the odd visitor and I wasn't going to give up an oppotunity to see my best mate despite feeling shattered. Stayed for a couple of hours and was holding baby for most of that time. I honestly thought she'd scream as soon as she came near me but I was pretty good with her. Kinda wierd now tho thinking I was holding something that was just a few days old!

other stuff
A girl from my past who I'm sort of friends with again but can never completely forgive cuz she screwed me over got in touch asaking if I'd seen these two girls she used to work with. One had added me on facebook but I haven't actually spoken to her for about 2 and half years, the other I can't even remember what she looks like. Anyway I'm meant to have told them that this girl was a coke addict that had ended up in re-hab. Not quite true I would have told somebody (not sure who) that she was a coke addict who'd ended up in hospital after a breakdown, had completely ripped me off and generally gone off the rails (well I was extremely angry at her at the time). But I didn't tell these two girls. I've not spoken to them. So anyway the girl spent most of the afternoon and the evening emailing and texting me having a go. For once I did the most sensible thing I could. I ignored her. I deleted the messages before I had chance to read them. She always was pretty venemous so I can imagine what was in them but I actually decided to be an adult and not get drawn in to her twisted little games. I'm rather proud.

Oh and I've still not had sex with anyone but Mr Flash since my night out in Liverpool. It may be boring but it's quite an acheivement for me! xxxx

I've put a very sceptical hmmmm on the end of that title because.... well..... when things start going really well, it is inevitable that something will eventually go catastrophically wrong. So what exactly is going right?

Well for one I seem to be on top of things at work. Both the venues are sorted. I've had replies back from 80% of my guests, the menu designs are sorted and the partners are....well..... happy.

Second my beautiful best friend has had her baby. I still haven't seen her yet as she's got a bit of an infection so they are limiting guests at the hospital. I'm going to wait till she gets home. But very very excited.

And third...... I know you are all gonna be very sceptical at this one but my relationship with Mr Flash seems to be progressing extremely well. He'se phoning me lots, taking time to listen to me and generally doing that whole sharing and caring thing you would expect of a partner. I text him last night saying I didn't know what had changed but it was definately alot better. His response? 'Good. Let it continue x'. Could it be that things could actually work out this time? We have been seeing each other on and off for 7 months. For me thats fairly long term ha ha. I do love him. Still feeling very cautious but very optomistic. As i'm forever saying in the office. It's all good.

xxxxx

Not sure I ever mentioned but Lauren is / was pregnant. She delivered a very healthy 8lb 9oz baby girl at 8.28am. Both mum and baby are doing fine.

Not had chance to see her yet but seen a pic of baby gil and she is the cutest thing - I'm not in to babies generally but awwwwwww!!!!

xxxxx

That is my reaction after being moved seats at work. I am not impressed in the slightest. I loved my old seat. I had no-one behind me and could happily surf whatever site I wanted all day. Well that's finished!!! I've even had to wait all day to come on here. Not impressed in the slightest.

In other news.....
The whole celibacy thing has gone out the window. Me and Mr flash were at it like rabbits last night and had a rather good quickie this morning.

Last night was pretty good actually - before the sex I mean. We just sat in front of his fire (god knows why he had it lit but anyway...), having a few glasses of wine and just chatting. Felt like we were back to how we were when we first met. I still think everything is gonna blow up in my face eventually but you never know....

Anyways I'm also on the blag. We are having a massive charity sports day in August and as part of that we hyave to raise £2500. We want to do a big raffle with lots of cool prizes and charge £5 entry. We've already got VIP tickets to see Leeds united, passes for Yorkshire Cricket and may be getting some free tickets for VUE cinema. All the money is going to Macmillan Cancer Support - anybody got anything they'd be willing to donate? I'll let you enter!!!!

xxxx

has an opposite and equal reaction.

Not really sure who said this originally but just been watching Corrie and that odd guy said (the one who owns the cafe) to Becky. He was talking about her 'loose' lifestyle and it got me thinking. Could my current aversion to sex be the reaction to being used by Mr Flash or is it simply a reaction of growing up?

Throughout my life my friends have either been younger than me or older. I've had a very few fr4iends the same age and those that are such as a girl from Macmillan and one of the girls from work are pretty mature for their age. I am also beginning to find (more than usual) that my younger friends are boring me and that I would much rather hang around with people who have more life experience and who can teach me something rather than being people that I just have fun with.

I've had this whim before about men too but then I go back to playing the fast and loose lifestyle which I seem to easily adapt to. Even last week I swanned off to Liverpool on the spare of the moment to go to a house party and spent the night with a guy I didn't know and will probably never hear from again.

But am I really starting to change my life or am I simply going through a faze? I was thinking about Mr Flash earlier and realised that in time I would be able to sleep with but only if I knew exactly what was going on with his ex - i.e was he still pursuing (despite his friends warnings) or had he realised (like the rest of us) that that relationship was never going to happen and that he should move on?

For some time I have been wanting a real commitment. I have accepted that it's never going to happen with Mr Flash. Well if it does I will be highly surprised. I tried it with the boy but he wasn't 'The one'. And there's another question. Is there really 'a one' in the sense of the perfect one. Or, is 'the one' actually short for 'the one i'm willing to compromise for'?

i've always thought that the perfect relationship would just happen...eventually. But i'm beginning to think 9like many other men and women I imagine),that perfection doesn't exist. Actually I think I realised that a while ago and myreaction to that was 'fuck it - go out and have fun'. Unfortunately, after a couple of years 'fun' isn't really that fun anymore.

Yes work is getting me down but overall despite the over-powering managers and stressful timetable, I do enjoy my job. I have my friends, I have a wonderfully supportive family. I'm successfully working my way out of debt and i have seen, experienced and acheived more than many people my age. But something is missing. Does it really take a partner to complete you?

I'd like to say no and believe that i can be perfectly happy on my own. I am afterall an only child who has grown up with her own company. I just can't help feeling that I am missing something - or someone - to share in my experiences and me with theirs. Relationships are the only area where I feel I fail. I was engaged once and loved scouse dearly. I still do, but as a friend. I am beginning to crave that stability again. As much I fantasise about that stability coming from Mr Flash, I am not sure he is capable. That is a shame because he really is a wonderful father and I belive he would make a very loving and supportive husband. And maybe some day he will be that to someone. Just maybe not me.

So how do I find that stability - that man who will share in my dreams, my aspirations, my silly whims as i will his? I'm not looking for Mr Gorgeous or Mr great in bed - my taste in men varies wildly and whilst i so need to be attracted to the man I firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder (none of my exs are male models!!). I have always found that acceptance is the key in any relationship. To accept the faults in someone but love tham all the more for it.

Thats how I feel about Mr Flash. He's hurt me and used me and he can be arrogant and ignorant of people feelings but I now just see these as his mannerisms and to be perfectly honest they don't really bug me half as much as they used to. I almost expect it of him. i need to find someone that can feel that way about me. There's only one problem in that though. I did find someone who felt like that I just didn't feel the same. Sod's law I guess.

Sorry for the long post but I think it's nother washing machine head tonight.

xxxx

Again this blog comes from a conversation I had with Mr Flash last night. Is romance dead? Well no not entierly I don't think. I think if you attract romance then you will get it. Equally if you attract porn and general sluttiness you will get that.

Up until now I have tended to err on the side of the latter. Mainly because it is easier. You don't have to dress provocatively to catch a man's attention. Take today. I have on a very smart pair of trousers and a simple wrap around shirt. My hair is down and straightened and my make up looks good. It turned a few heads this morning and yes made me feel good. However, I am starting to see it as rather superficial. But why? Because really at heart I am an old fashioned romantic who, like many girls, likes to be swept off her feet.

Mr Flash pointed this out last night after I had pointed out the conversations had turned sexual and that for the moment I was looking to abstain and that apart from one occasion last Christmas he hasn't been the most romantic guy. Anyways it might not be a permanent change but there have been a couple of very romantic texts this morning and last night the conversation ended on a romantic note too.

It does make me smile that since I told Mr Flash that there would be no naughtiness until I felt ready - well he did make me feel very used and therefore has put me off a fair bit - he has been rather more attentive. Ok yes he has his moments where he is very interested and then i barely speak to him for a week. But the balance of power seems to have changed. Whilst this is not indicative of a relationship re-forming, it does mean that things are going to be more balanced in future.

I'm learning to say no and stand up to myself. Are you proud?

xxx

So much for this love affair to come to an end!!!

Mr Flash called again last night and again we were on the phone for around an hour. He seems to have taken to this new found backbone that I've got. He is aware that it's friends or nothing. Maybe because he can't have me sexually he's pining????

Anyways I digress. Yesterday turned out to be pretty good until 5pm when I realise a table plan I'd sent out to the partners was just as crap as I thought it was (I didn't do it before you ask) and I sat until 9pm trying to re-do. No joy so I went home to crash.

However earlier on in the day I'd been chatting to Ste. Ste works for our promotional good company. We've never met bt due to one thing or another we've been emailing and phoning each other rather alot lately and I've managed now to get him over to Leeds to take me for lunch. Before you ask he has a girlfriend and as I've never seen him before I'm not interested. But I didn't feel quite flattered and I am a bit excited..which.... made Mr Flash extremely jealous. Call me cruel but it felt rather good to know that he was jealous.

Urgh i know this isn't exactly what you would call getting over him but I've decided against the whole tour de whore thing as Ive done it already and going down the celibacy route. Now that is going to be fucking hard!! Only innncent handholding and kissing for me in the foreseeable future.

Foreseeable can mean just a couple of days right? he he

xxxxxx

So anyway, not feeling so bad today./ Mr Flash ended up calling again late last night and we talked, and talked, and talked, and........... well we talked for a long time.

The basic jist was:
1) me having a go at him for making me feel used and pathetic
2) Him apologising
3) Me explaining that if he wanted any sort of friendship
that he would have to respect me (for a change)
4) Me learning that he'd spoken to some mutual friends of
him and his ex and finding out that there was a slim to
none possiblity of them two actually getting back
together (but I already knew that)
5) Him telling me that he loved me and me explaining that he
needed to get his head together and sort out his
relationship with his daughter because she is his
priority.
6) Me explaining that the chances of us being more than
friends was a massive IF not a when and that I'd proved
myself on countless occasions and that it was about time
he started proving himself - not just to me but to
everyone.

Wew left things on good terms and I didn't cry because I felt satisfied that I had stood up for myself and made him feel the prize twat that he is. I'm in work mega early today but feeling quite positive and that although there are going to be obstacles in my life I'm not going to let him be one of them.

Friends and lovers should complement your life - make it richer and more fulfilling. Thats what I try and do with my friends and thats what I expect in return and I'm glad to say that the few real friends I have do that atleast 99% of time (well no-one is perfect!)

Yep definately happier today.

xxxx

I'm stupid weak and pathetic. They really are the only words to me.

Mr Flash called me and we spoke for about an hour on the phone. Him still telling me that he loved me and me constantly reminding him that he wanted another woman so we couldn't be anything but friends. He wanted me to go round to fuck him. I refused. He even offered to pay (extremely insulting) So he said he was going to come to mine. I didn't believe him. Even when he was going out the only time he came to mine was to drop me off.

But he showed up. For a fuck thats all it was. I wish wholeheartedly that I could turn round and say I told him to piss off, but this is the one place I tell the truth so I admit it i slept with him. I enjoyed it. Physically it felt good. Emotionally I felt empty and I wanted to cry.

In no uncertain terms he and i both know know that that really was the last time. I'm not even sure I want to speak to him again. He still wants to be friends, but Idon't know. I'm confused and angry. Not with him but with me. I'm foreve telling my girlfriends that they should be strong and stand up to men like that and yet I can't do it myself.

I'm a slut and I need to change. I had two jobs last week and rather than put the money aside for Oz I spent it on going out. I've got a little short of £600 spends for Oz, maybe that will be enough. I'm thinking I just need to pack in the night job, stop sleeping with anyone and try to forget that men exist.

Why is it that I crave this male attention? I hate that part of myself. I need to grow up and concentrate on me. Concentrate on what is best fro me emotionally and mentally and not get carried away in the heat of the moment. i feel so dumb. I'd do anything to cut myself right now. There is razor in front of me and it would be so eay to tear it apart, get one of the blades and just slice open my skin and feel the rush and the blood pops to the surface. I won't though. I promise.

I'm sorry everyone. I feel like I've let everyone down. I'm just so stupid.

Big thanks, hugs and kisses to S&L. Last night I travelled over to the biggest house party I have ever known in my life. There must have been atleast 300 people there - in the house, in the garde, in the street even.

But the best bit of the party?????? A tall handsome Geordie with old fashioned manners and just generally to die for. After a few minutes chatting and playfully holding my hand he slowly pulled me closer to him until our lips met. He was one of those guys who would slide his hand up behimd your head and make even the most unlikely moment extrememly romantic.

As we were in the missle of everyone it seemed we snuck off to find a little area all our own where he successfully managed to convince me to go back to his flat (ok it wasn't that hard but I did put up a little bit of a fight). We seemed to walk for miles before getting to a main road to find a taxi. He joked that he'd been planning the moonlit night walk with me (cheesy but very cute). When we got to the main road he made sure he was walking on the side nearest the road, and he held the taxi door open for me. Little things but it can be hard to find a guy 3with such good manners these days.

The taxi home was full of passionate kisses. His hand trying to slide up my oh so short skirt and me pushing it away insisting he wait till we got back to his flat - i looked enough of a slut in my outfit without giving the taxi driver more of an eyeful! He flat was fantastic. Cant remember what he said the building actually was but it lookedlike an old gothic church. Before, during and after the ride in the lift the kisses were more and more desperate. Both of us knowing that we wanted to rip each other clothes off.

When we finally made it into his flat rather than being a typical man - ripping my clothes and bending me over the sofa, he took the time to sort out a bed for us on the floor (He'd given up his to his flatmates sister who was staying over), offered me a drink and they showed me the view from his balcony - which I have to say at 4am was one of the most beutiful sites ever. Even at that time the city was lit up with thousands of tiny sparkling lights and the sun was just starting to come up giving everything a fresh glow.

He wrapped me up in his arms and took me back inside where he pleasured me - no sex just fantastic oral. I didn't orgasm but only because (and this is very unromantic) Mr Flash kept popping into my head. We kept returning favours several times over till eventually we passed out in each others arms.

After just a couple of hours we woke up and had great sex. He was still just so gentlemanly though. I can really explain it - the little kisses on my forhead, the looks when we were lying down, noses almost touching. It was almost like we'd been together for ages. And yet I'd only met him a few hours previous.

Being a gentleman he kindly drove me back to S&L's house in the morning where I found her and friend still up, still giddy and great fun!! And once the two of the had dozed off I slid out and returned to Leeds fearing if I didn't leave then there was a good chance that I wouldn't make it back at a reasonable hour.

So I text Geordie anyway and he replied but very non-commital. Not surprising as i know his next few weekends are booked but he was eager to give me his phone number.

Hmm we'll see. Anyway although I am still madly in love with Mr Flash i am determined to get over him. And although fucking everyman who crosses my path probably is the most emotional stable way of going about it, it's certainly fun.

Role on the 'Tour de Whore' - Chasing Harry Winston, Lauren Weisberger (brilliant book!)

xxxxxxxx

1. What I was doing 10 years ago:
I was 14 so probably being teased at school, getting told off for smoking, getting told off for skiving, oh and still being a straight A student.

2. What 5 things are on on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

Catch up with work I've been ignoring
clear out the marketing storage
clean my room
go to the pub
plan girly night out to get over Mr Flash

3. Snacks I enjoy:
Mars bars, sainsbury's be good to yourself pretzels, Uncle Ben's 2 min rice with loads and loads of lemon juice (I don't know why!)

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire:
Pay off my IVA, get on the property ladder, have liposuction, go shopping, go travelling, pay off all my family's debt

5. Places I have lived:
Kuala Lumper, Toronto, Peterborough, Leeds, Bradford, Ipswich, Macclesfield, Wilmslow

Who to tag. S&L, Tatty, Barnes, Batsman, Callumhill

Ok so I was mad at him, very mad at him for forgetting my birthday. Sitting alone at home last night I decided foolishly to ring him. Within an hour I was round at his house wearing his bullseye prize (a basque with matching briefs that I'd worn once minutes before he broke up with me. It was a good case of - and here's what you could have won!)

As I stepped through the door we just had our hands all over each other and were very quickly stripped off and racing up to his bedroom. The sex was quick but my god it was passionate. And then.....

"Shit Ishouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry"
"Why what's happenned?" I was thinking he's had sex with me while he has an STI or didn't quite pull out of me quick enough - he's the only man I never use a condom with (silly I know!)
"I'm still in love with L and I want to get back with her"

L is his ex and the mother of his daughter. Thing is I just don't believe he loves her. He wants to get back with him so he can see his daughter again (she's with holding access). To say I felt used was a bit of an understatement. The stupider thing was I ended up staying there, downing a bottle of wine with him and telling him how he should approach things with her!!!

Apparently I'm the only one that is ever straight with him and he wants to keep me as a friend. I guess part of the reason that will is because I love him, the other part is because I've known deep down for a long time that I was only ever a best friend with benefits. Yes he's told me he loves me. But it was never in a "I wanna get married some day".

I am a glutton for punishment saying I will stay friends with him. He says he needs me. I know I am an idiot but atleast I know for definate now that we are just friends. Ok getting over him will be hard but it's a turning point and it means that I can let my heart look for someone else. Rather than my body doing the looking and my heart shutting it's eyes and pretending no-one exists except him.

Time to face the world again. Let's see how long it is before my heart gets broken by someone else.

xxxx

So I'm now 24. What a drag. Thanks to my cousin calling me up and telling me very proudly that she wasd only going to be 14 on Sat I feel alot older than I should. Then again I don't think I could stomach being a teenager again. All that teasing and never fitting in? No thanks

My birthday this year was a rather quiet afair. Work had been mad busy and I had college in the evening - which I left early only because I'm super duper good and got all the work done quickly.

I then had a rather uneventful ride home. The only good thing about last night was the fact that both my housemates were in and neither of them can ever be asked to cook so we all shared take-out.

Mid-week birthdays really do suck. The worst bit about it all was that despite all the birthday wishes from everyone including mates from school who I've not spoken to in years (bloody facebook!) and even my dad (the fact that he got the right day is extremely impressive!!) there were two people who didn't contact me. My best mate Lauren - although I forgive her because she's nearly due to drop and has had a memory like a sieve for months - and Mr Flash.

I can't believe that he would tell me so often that he loves me and then treat me like this. It's disgusting. I should hate his guts. Well i do. But I'm just so upset about it. Why? If this is what love feels like then please make me immune to it. I hate it.

Urgh I don't want to talk about him but it's kinda like word vomit and I'm so angry at him. Think the voodoo doll my mates got me will become quite useful ha ha.

JP was in touch the other day and said that he would come round on Friday. I doubt he will. AB said he'd take me to the cinema on Friday. I doubt he will. and Beany boy has been in touch sending me rude messages - at least he's consistant lol!!!

If it wasn't for the fact that I feel rather pathetic drinking alone I'd just spend the weekend getting smashed. However, I'm sure I can find something more productive to do. Even if its just housework.

xxxx

What a disappointment. Match.com didn't even bother to get in touch. JP (another occasional fuck buddy) despite saying that he would, didn't come over. So I just stayed in bed alone and got take out. How depressing.

The rentals have been over today. Pub lunch and a bit of shopping at the White Rose. Pretty good. hardly ever see them so have quite a good laugh when I do. Only the usually - laughing at my stepdad for being oblivious about everything. Mum moaning about the NHS. Mr talking about my lack of a love life and work. Nothing really changes.

Plans for this evening? Bit of laundry and a film. How fun! x