I'm stupid weak and pathetic. They really are the only words to me.

Mr Flash called me and we spoke for about an hour on the phone. Him still telling me that he loved me and me constantly reminding him that he wanted another woman so we couldn't be anything but friends. He wanted me to go round to fuck him. I refused. He even offered to pay (extremely insulting) So he said he was going to come to mine. I didn't believe him. Even when he was going out the only time he came to mine was to drop me off.

But he showed up. For a fuck thats all it was. I wish wholeheartedly that I could turn round and say I told him to piss off, but this is the one place I tell the truth so I admit it i slept with him. I enjoyed it. Physically it felt good. Emotionally I felt empty and I wanted to cry.

In no uncertain terms he and i both know know that that really was the last time. I'm not even sure I want to speak to him again. He still wants to be friends, but Idon't know. I'm confused and angry. Not with him but with me. I'm foreve telling my girlfriends that they should be strong and stand up to men like that and yet I can't do it myself.

I'm a slut and I need to change. I had two jobs last week and rather than put the money aside for Oz I spent it on going out. I've got a little short of £600 spends for Oz, maybe that will be enough. I'm thinking I just need to pack in the night job, stop sleeping with anyone and try to forget that men exist.

Why is it that I crave this male attention? I hate that part of myself. I need to grow up and concentrate on me. Concentrate on what is best fro me emotionally and mentally and not get carried away in the heat of the moment. i feel so dumb. I'd do anything to cut myself right now. There is razor in front of me and it would be so eay to tear it apart, get one of the blades and just slice open my skin and feel the rush and the blood pops to the surface. I won't though. I promise.

I'm sorry everyone. I feel like I've let everyone down. I'm just so stupid.