has an opposite and equal reaction.

Not really sure who said this originally but just been watching Corrie and that odd guy said (the one who owns the cafe) to Becky. He was talking about her 'loose' lifestyle and it got me thinking. Could my current aversion to sex be the reaction to being used by Mr Flash or is it simply a reaction of growing up?

Throughout my life my friends have either been younger than me or older. I've had a very few fr4iends the same age and those that are such as a girl from Macmillan and one of the girls from work are pretty mature for their age. I am also beginning to find (more than usual) that my younger friends are boring me and that I would much rather hang around with people who have more life experience and who can teach me something rather than being people that I just have fun with.

I've had this whim before about men too but then I go back to playing the fast and loose lifestyle which I seem to easily adapt to. Even last week I swanned off to Liverpool on the spare of the moment to go to a house party and spent the night with a guy I didn't know and will probably never hear from again.

But am I really starting to change my life or am I simply going through a faze? I was thinking about Mr Flash earlier and realised that in time I would be able to sleep with but only if I knew exactly what was going on with his ex - i.e was he still pursuing (despite his friends warnings) or had he realised (like the rest of us) that that relationship was never going to happen and that he should move on?

For some time I have been wanting a real commitment. I have accepted that it's never going to happen with Mr Flash. Well if it does I will be highly surprised. I tried it with the boy but he wasn't 'The one'. And there's another question. Is there really 'a one' in the sense of the perfect one. Or, is 'the one' actually short for 'the one i'm willing to compromise for'?

i've always thought that the perfect relationship would just happen...eventually. But i'm beginning to think 9like many other men and women I imagine),that perfection doesn't exist. Actually I think I realised that a while ago and myreaction to that was 'fuck it - go out and have fun'. Unfortunately, after a couple of years 'fun' isn't really that fun anymore.

Yes work is getting me down but overall despite the over-powering managers and stressful timetable, I do enjoy my job. I have my friends, I have a wonderfully supportive family. I'm successfully working my way out of debt and i have seen, experienced and acheived more than many people my age. But something is missing. Does it really take a partner to complete you?

I'd like to say no and believe that i can be perfectly happy on my own. I am afterall an only child who has grown up with her own company. I just can't help feeling that I am missing something - or someone - to share in my experiences and me with theirs. Relationships are the only area where I feel I fail. I was engaged once and loved scouse dearly. I still do, but as a friend. I am beginning to crave that stability again. As much I fantasise about that stability coming from Mr Flash, I am not sure he is capable. That is a shame because he really is a wonderful father and I belive he would make a very loving and supportive husband. And maybe some day he will be that to someone. Just maybe not me.

So how do I find that stability - that man who will share in my dreams, my aspirations, my silly whims as i will his? I'm not looking for Mr Gorgeous or Mr great in bed - my taste in men varies wildly and whilst i so need to be attracted to the man I firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder (none of my exs are male models!!). I have always found that acceptance is the key in any relationship. To accept the faults in someone but love tham all the more for it.

Thats how I feel about Mr Flash. He's hurt me and used me and he can be arrogant and ignorant of people feelings but I now just see these as his mannerisms and to be perfectly honest they don't really bug me half as much as they used to. I almost expect it of him. i need to find someone that can feel that way about me. There's only one problem in that though. I did find someone who felt like that I just didn't feel the same. Sod's law I guess.

Sorry for the long post but I think it's nother washing machine head tonight.

xxxx