I just sent this to Mr Flash. I know it's for the best but I can't help feel just a little sad.

Hi

Love always

He has started emailing me now. I swear to god I did not initiate it but that man. THat pathetic excuse for a human being got back in touch. I haven't spoken to him for over a week and he gets back in touch saying he's messed up his phone and lost all his numbers. and what do I do? give it to him. Fucking hell that would have been an ace reason to break contact for good and me being the dumb bitch that I am started emailing him back.

Full conversation below - my responses in blue

whats your mobile number I stupidly deleted all my contacts upgrading the software on my phone !! IT guys don't do backups ... they should ;-) how are you ?
xxxxx xxxxxx I'm good thanks
Yes I'm fine too thanks for asking lol
Sorry just trying to concentrate on something that isn't doing what I what it too
no not Sales Logix ? grrr have other regions been cocking things up x
No it's an invitation to the Harry Potter screening in November. A case of me trying to run before I can walk on photoshop
close your eyes and remember the word's of you lecturer ... use the force hunney x
It's Harry Potter not Star Wars you geek
close your eyes and remember the word's of Albus Dumbledore... use the force hunney x
You must not be busy
yeh things slowing down a bit at last thank gawd ;-)
figured. You haven't emailed me this much in months
but you like it though ? I'm going home soon
I don't know. Feels wierd

Argh I'm so annoyed with my self.  Lauren told me I should tell him to fuck off and die. However I explained that probably wouldn't go through the work email filter!!!!  M has invited me out to meet his mates on Saturday and I am determined to go as his girlfriend.  Mr Flash is a dick and I hate him and I'm moving on.  Period!!!

OMG last night was just fantastic. Had a housewarming for Charl. Only a few people came (well about 15 - 20 of us) but it was great. Every one mixed, everyone drank (alot!!) and everyone had a great time including M.

M was great he spoke to everyone, had a laugh and even invited half of them to his birthday party next weekend lol. And in my drunken state I got him to define our relationship. Seems we're official! I'm actually really happy about it. It was a bit sooner than I wanted to get into a relationship -we've only been dating 3 weeks - but i am pleased that nothing has happenned with anyone else. i was a bit unsure that the spark wasn't quite right with M but seeing him with all my friends made me feel so much better about him. I've never known a guy who was so willing to talk to everyone. one of my housemates - sid - adores him and kept bouncing up to me last night to say how great he was.

I'm still feeling a little apprehensive but i guess thats a good thing cuz it means i wont go ruching like i did with Mr F. BTW i haven't spoken to him and I'm barely thinking about him now. Most of my man thoughts seem to be focused on M which can only be a positive thing.

Back to work tomorrow and I really can't be asked. I so need some proper time off!! My cousin's wedding is in 3 weeks. half looking forward to it, half dreading it. I'm sure it will be fine. It's just it's with my dad's side and I never feel 100% around them. I'm sure I'm worrying for nothing.

Only 8 1/2 weeks till i got to Oz. WOOP WOOP!!!!

xoxoxox

Don't you just love it!!

SO anyways like I said i can't see M again till Sat. Well I can. i could see him after work today but I want to go home and chill. Tomorrow I'm at a 'networking' event (i.e chance to get drunk but there are free beauty treatments!!) and Friday i'm off to Chester.

Back to the facebook flirting.....

Quite a while ago our company got involved in a dragon boat race. Being forced into being team captain i had to go along to various meetings. At the first of which I met S. We got along brilliantly and swapped emails at the end (numbers are so last week lol). We swapped lads of emails but never had chance to meet up again as he had to drop out of the dragon boat thing.

The flirting inevitably moved onto facebook (like everything in my life seems to!) and now that he's back from holiday it looks like we might just get chance to meet up.

But what about M? I hear you gasp. Don't you worry, I'll still be seeing him and he is absolutely lovely. However, after the whole Mr Flash saga I'm not going to be tying myself down just yet!

Btw saw Lauren last night for the first time in ages. I love catching up with her over a bottle of wine and chinese. We seemed to have loads to talk abou too (well I guess I haven't seen her in a month and alot can happen!). Her ex is being a dick as per. But atleast he's now admitted he has a drug problem. She and little un are fine tho. Little un is just as gorgeous as ever and to be fair Lauren is turning into a completely Yummy Mummy (but then I always knew she would).

Unfortunately she's off to Blackpool this weekend so can't come to Charl's housewarming but now that she's got some babysitter's on tap she should be able to start living again. Woo hoo!!

xoxoxox

Good afternoon all

Last night I had date number 3 with M. I'm classing it as a separate date as technically I did go home inbetween. Last night I didn't though he he.

We went to the cinema to watch Hancock (brilliant film!!!! - but make sure you watch it right to the end (there's an extra bit during the credits)) and then went up to Fab cafe to have a few drinks. I've never been there before but it is a pretty cool place. And thankfully as i had decideto have a bit of a rock chic theme to my outfit, I didn't look too out of place.

Anyways, we had a couple in there and I said I needed to get some cash and we decided rather than go to another bar we would go back to his as he had a bottle of champagne (for being so brilliant at work). The champagne got us into this wierd state where we had one of those really really gooddeep conversations. Made me feel a whole lot better about him anyway - the fact that I could sit there and talk to him without it being awkward. Champagne also makes me highly frisky and by the time we'd finished we were pretty much all over each other.

The sex was amazing. By god that boy has stamina. He's not bad with his hands and tongue either . And if i thought last night was good, this morning was even better!! We finished the morning curled up on the sofa eating bacon sandwichess it was prettyt damn good. And the best bit is he started texting me just as i got home. Definate bonus points for not waiting. Guys that do that are so annoying!

Not going to get to see him again till next saturday. we're having a housewarming for Charls. Not sure how many people are actually gonna show up. They'll probably be just a few of us that end up in town or summat.

I've not heard from mr Flash which is a good thing. But i do know he's got his daughter this weekend. Not that I'm expecting his call or anything. I am going to turn my life around and I need to get rid of him completely cuz he's just going to keep dragging me back. I'm also back on track with the not smoking thing. i am determined to do it. had a bit of a setback this weekend but I will quit!

xoxoxo

Well last night was date number two with M. Unfortunately things didn't quite go to plan. Don't worry readers, it all worked out in the end but the start was well unexpected.

So you're all aware of mr Flash (yes him....again). We had a massive argument a week ago which ended with me putting the phone down on him. I knew he'd phone again (he always does) but I thought it would be atleast 3 weeks or so (he thinks he's making me sweat). Anyways just as i'm getting ready for date number 2 the phone rings and his name is flashing. I honestly have to admit he was the last person I expected to be calling. Right before a date my mum is the most likey suspect!!!!

The first conversation didn't last long (yes i did say first). I asked him why he was calling and that I was going out with friends (i don't want him knowing about my personal life just yet). He said he was going out too (in that 'Anything you can do.....' voice he's so good at) I was extremely cold with him and put the phone down pretty quickly.

Anyway he phoned back asking why I was being so cold. Sometimes i want to forward him the link to this blog just so he can see how much he's mucked my head up!!! We chatted for a bit but I was still pretty cold.

And he phoned back a third time. This got heated, then got emotional and then I put the phone down cursing him because he'd managed to completely insult me but in a 'I'm your friend and i'm only telling you this for your own good' kind of way. Basically he was telling me I was a tart and that i needed to tone it down a bit. Errrr hello????? i know I am it's a fucking defense mechanism. If people just want to see me as a fun person then it stops them getting too sentimental with me, stops me getting too close to them and therefore stops me getting hurt when they eventually leave.

The problem with Mr Flash is that he got past all that which is why I feel so messed up over him.

Anyway, i cleaned myself up, finished getting ready and caught the bus over to M's house. Picking up some cigs on the way (yes I know!!! - I'll cut back first). Got to his and we immediately held hands but there was no kiss. At his we ordered pizza and watched a couple of films. It took me most of the night to get cuddled up to him (despite the fact that I was on the same sofa he never made a move!!). I did it quite slowly though. I don't want to be too obvious round him cuz he just doesn't seem that type of guy. All we did was kiss(honestly!!!). And not even the type of 'i wanna rip your clothes off but I can't' kissing just nice, lost in the moment kissing. It was ace.

Only embarrassing thing was that I fell asleep on him (well we were really comfy and it was really late). I got a taxi home around 1am and straight away just curled up.

mr Flash called again this morning. Apparently after our little chat he didn't much feel like going out (awww i've got my violin out). He's such a knob. M might just be a rebound but he might just be what i need.

xoxoxoxox

ps I've got another date with M tonight - we're off to the cinema at The Light in Leeds

pps Has anyone been watching Gossip Girl? How good is that programme????!!!!!!!

I am doing something which is good. in fact it's very good. It's all part of my turning point. I'm giving up smoking. It's been over 24 hours. Around 26.5 to be precise since I took my last drag. I think I've eaten more today than in total over the past week. I feel sluggish and lousy and I just pray to god it's going to get better.

Does anyone know of a way that I can still supress my hunger just a little whilst I do this? I've done well to get to a nice shape on the slim size of 12 and I really don't want to lose it. especially since i've just started dating again.

One problem with this dating thing though - M smokes. Hmmmmm.

xxxxxx

Hello gorgeous people!!

Despite the grey clouds I am in an excellent mood. Now normally when me and Mr Flash have problems I mope around, but as part of the whole 'turning point' thing (see yesterday!) I have decided not to dwell on a prat like him and fully embrace the dating game. Starting with M. Met M for lunch today. We went to a great little spanish tapas bar called La Tasca. We shared a couple of little dishes and talked, and talked... and talked! No awkward pauses. Atleast no obvious ones. And........ before lunch was even up he'd asked me out again!!!!!

YAY!!!!

xxxx

It's apparently only been a week since my last entry but it feels alot longer than that. So what's been happenning? Well in truth not alot. Well certainly not a lot thats new.

Work is still pretty busy but in a managable way which is good. I'm getting home on time, not stressing as much and generally feeling life is a little easier. Also I've completely given up the night job and despite being broke, I'm alot happier. I'm not having to lie to anyone. I'm not having to stay in on an evening just in case I get job. it's like a weight has been lifted.

Mr Flash and I have been going through the motions. Saying that we love each other and then he barely speaks to me. It's getting annoying and for the last few weeks I feel like I've put my life on hold. I think that's why the one night stand happenned. A little bit of a rebellion. Anyway Friday night I went out with Char (who is officially one of the most fun people I have ever met!) and ended up snogging this very cute recruitment consultant - M. We swapped numbers but that was it - mainly because Char had already gone home and I'd agreed to meet Mr Flash in Headingley.

M has hasked me out for a lunch date and I'm going. I told Mr Flash (saying that I'd turned him down) and Mr Flash's responses? 'You should go for it, you should be happy. I can't offer you what you need'. Well atleast he's being honest (for once!) and although he's said it before I'm in a slightly different headspace right now. I've got my own friends for a change and don't feel I need to be with someone to have a social life.

All in all I think I am at a turning point in my life and whilst I won't cut him off completely I'm beginning to wonder if I sahould take my own advice and wean myself off Mr Flash. I know I must have said this a million times but this time it is different. why you ask?
1) I'm upset but not half as bad as I have been
2) I have a better support network - Lauren has had her own problems over the past few months but me Char and blondie (lives across the street / works with Char) are on a mission to get out and about in Leeds - meet lots of eligible men (* please see note below by what I class as eligible!) and get ourselves fabulous boyfriends who we love.

Right 'eligible'. Bear in mind that any man I get with has to fit in with BOTH my families (an extremely tall order but not impossible!!)
1) intelligence - I like a man I can have a debate with. Particularly politics, as well as what clothes look good, music and the best bars in Leeds (clearly Prohibition wins this last one)
2) looks - well I do need to fancy him!!! Doesn't have to be your standard good looking. I am a firm believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder (I've seen the type of guy Char likes and well ummmm definatelly not my type!)
3) Not live with their rents! (obvious)
4) Not have children - getting to be a little difficult this one but they definately score bonus points if they have no offspring from previous relationship
5) sense of humour - they MUST MUST MUST make me laugh otherwise there's no hope for them
6) A good job. My dad's families have all excelled and whatever they have done. Although not management or anything, my mum is still a very well respected nurse. Plus I just want to be able to show them off a little. I'm a ambitious marketing assistant and I want someone who is going to stay at my pace professionally or give me the encouragement to work harder.

Of course I would love the whole nice car, nice house and lots of money thing, but that's what Mr Flash has and to be honest I want someone who still got a bit to strive for. Gives them more passion for life.

xxxxx

And there I was being so good and so faithful and I have to mess things up. Well not entierly because Mr Flash isn't going to get to hear about it but still I feel terrible. Went out with the girls last night and I will admit - I looked good. low cut black top with short black skirt, red shoes and red accessories. My hair was just blow dryed out and looked naturally glam (I love it when it does that!) and we were all in a really giddy mood.

Have to admit my confidence did sky rocket when I managed to pull 2 mins after stepping inside Prohibition last night. This guy used the old 'I work for a magazine' line. He said he worked for GQ. As if. He gave me his number but I was like why don't you give me your business card - he came up with some excuse about his secretary got jealous when women phoned him. Hmmmmm. Whatever. He was cute though so I gave him a little kiss.

But he isn't the one I'm guilty about. Theres this website called city socialising. I joined up ages ago but have to admit that I've never used it. Umm hello - facebook! Anyway Char had asked some guy from it who was very cute in his picture. Not so cute in real life. His friend was tho and after a few vodkas and a couple of shots of black sambuca later (that stuff is evil) we were chatting and kissing quite alot. Still fairly innocent until you realise that I said goodbye to him around 10.30 this morning when he left my house. Ooops.

He's added me on facebook but I'm going to tell him that last night was a one off. I've come so close to getting Mr Flash. I'm not going to ruin it all because of a one night stand.

Anyway my body is currently still recovering from 3 nights of abuse. Another night has been offered this evening but I'm going to have to turn it down. I've got to be on a train to Newcastle at 8.12am tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. can't be asked with it!!!!

The work BBq on Thursday was pretty good. Lots of silly games, a free bar and a silly disco. I ended up meeting Frankie later on and going to Space. There had been a police raid literally seconds before so there were no goodies on offer so I went home early.

Last night Char came and met me after work and we went to Lazy Lounge for Middy's leaving do. Was quite amusing as we wwere able to have a little joke about our fling with no-one realising. Ended up leaving quite early because a) was pretty drunk and b) am meant to be going out tonight. It's currently pouring down with rain though so might just stay in with a couple of bottles of wine.

Guess what else happenned at the summer BBQ?????? Mr Flash called me! We were on the phone for about 45 mins and although I wasn't drunk, I had had enough to loosen my tongue and I told him a few home truths. i told him that I loved him, that I didn't want anyone else, that I didn't want him going with anyone else. He said he felt the same..but (youknew it was coming) there is a whole big thing going on with his ex which he needs to get out of the way. I briefly chatted with mymate Iz after and her view was that he was trying to protect me. To stop me from getting caught up in something that I don't need to worry about. THing is I do worry ahbout him and I want nothing more than to be with him. Properly. Permanently. God I sound like a stalker. I'm not, I've just never felt like this before. CLiche I know lol xxxxx

Oh my god things need to slow down. My head is spinning. Days seem to be melting into one at the minute. Sunday I managed a lazy day, Monday I was in the Bradford office, Tuesday I flew (yes flew) to Heathrow to go to a conference in Windsor. We got there really early, had nothing to do so ended up in a bar (as you do) and I got severely burnt shoulders!!, yesterday was the actual conference and our flight back was really late so didn't get in till 10.30pm, today is my first proper day in the office but i'm leaving early to go to the work BBQ, tomorrow I have training in the morning and after work meating Char for some drinks and for a mates leaving do (middy the one night stand is off to Oz for 4 months - and no I'm not going to visit him!), sat I might be off to a BBQ, Sunday I might be out for an ex's bday - interesting story which I will elaborate on and Monday I'm in Newcastle for a golf tournament.

I so need a day off!

Any way the ex.Gonna call him GTi cuz he's car mad. anyway me and GTi had a brief relationship which broke up as he wasn't over his ex. To be fair she had dies less than a year previous so he had a fairly good excuse! We stayed friends and recently we have been texting lots. Nothing is going to happen because I want to keep him as a friend and I just don't fancy him anymore. But it has been nice hearing from him again.

Mr Flash hasn't been in touch for ages aprt from one text on Sunday to say he was working. I knew things would fall on their arse with him and I've been proved right. I'm not overly upset because I was expecting and because we all know he's a knob. Not going to say that I'm not going to see him again because blatantly i will. However, I am being good still and still haven't slept with anyone else bar Mr Flash since going to liverpool.

Right must get some work done!!!!

xxx